Well, another year is in it's closing hours. It is the time where people in the western world feel the need to make resolutions for the coming new year. I tend to avoid during those because I always feel guilty within a few days when I've broken them. And who needs more guilt in their life?
But, considering the events of 2011, I've decided there is one that I need to make. And since I've been blogging all my major moments in the past few months, I thought I should put this here...to the world.
I should be resolving to lose weight, exercise more, eat better. Yeah...right. I could resolve those things. In fact, I have. Hence the guilt I spoke of in the first paragraph. However, other things need to happen first before those things can happen. I must get my mind in shape first.
SO...I will continue with my counseling and the work I started in 2011. I will continue doing the hard work of looking at myself and accepting who I am and changing the things I can change...and want to change. I resolve to not just "wish" for positive change but do the work to make it happen.
I have noticed such a change in my outlook over the past few weeks. I've been sleeping better and feeling more centered and relaxed. There have been a few days where things were upsetting and frustrating. However, my "spring back" from events is quicker and easier. It feels so good. But I know there is still much more left to do.
I thank each and every one of you who has read my blog. I have gotten some wonderful messages from many people letting me know they have similar feelings in their own lives. I also got a letter from a friend yesterday. Yes, a letter...not an email or a text, but a bonafide letter on paper! Her words touched me very deeply. Since reading it, and thinking of the comments from so many others, I've been thinking of how alone I felt when I started this blog. I now realize that I have had such tunnel vision that I couldn't see the love and friendship around me. I know that I just need to reach out and someone would be there. Perhaps that should be my other resolution: don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Yeah, I like that one, too.
Happy New Year, my friends. May 2012 be a year of positive change and loving community for all of us.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Bah Humbug?
Okay, not in the way that Ebenezer Scrooge said it, but I am having a difficult time with the holidays this year. My motivation to do...anything is in the pooper. It even took 3 days to get the tree and inside decorations up. It usually takes 3 or 4 hours. There is hardly any decorating outside. I still need to do my holiday cards. And don't get me started on shopping for gifts.
Why?? With all the work I've done on "me", I thought it would be a good holiday season. But, in fact, it seems have made it harder. I am missing my parents more than I have in the past few years. My mother was The Holiday Queen. All the favorite things I like to do during the Christmas season are things I did with my mother. And now, being single and no kids, I do them alone. Not so fun. I've been doing them anyway, but do them because I feel I should. It has become a chore. This year, I wanted to enjoy doing things...but as I start, I feel sad.
Add that to the frustration with all the "stuff" out there. I am amazed at the level of rudeness and inconsiderate behavior by people. I was shopping this weekend and was in a store looking at a display. A young couple with a stroller came in, pushed in front of me and took up the entire area. When I asked to move in to get the thing I was interested in, they both just glared and didn't move. I simply left the store. I tried walking around the mall, looking for ideas and inspiration for gifts and my mood, but all I ended up with was irritation and frustration.
The holidays should be about friends, family, and joy. It shouldn't be about finding the perfect present - or at least one that doesn't suck. It should be about being with the people you love - not about how much money you spend on gifts. I need to figure out how to embrace the holidays the way I want to. I plan to spend tomorow evening with a friend and then meet up with friends over the weekend. But...that doesn't address the loneliness around some of the traditions.
I so want to spend an entire day baking fun stuff. But the idea of doing it by myself this year just makes me want to avoid it all together. As I said..."humbug". Anyone want to come over and play??
I've been thinking all this thru and still not coming to any kind of conclusion. Yule is a week away and Christmas is a week and a half away. I need to figure this out soon or the entire season will have passed me by. Am I being too much like Charlie Brown? Oh, no...I'm mixing my Christmas stories now...I'm really losing it...I don't think I need the Ghosts of Christmas. But maybe I do need a Linus...
Happy holidays, my friends. I wish you love and joy during this very confusing season.
Why?? With all the work I've done on "me", I thought it would be a good holiday season. But, in fact, it seems have made it harder. I am missing my parents more than I have in the past few years. My mother was The Holiday Queen. All the favorite things I like to do during the Christmas season are things I did with my mother. And now, being single and no kids, I do them alone. Not so fun. I've been doing them anyway, but do them because I feel I should. It has become a chore. This year, I wanted to enjoy doing things...but as I start, I feel sad.
Add that to the frustration with all the "stuff" out there. I am amazed at the level of rudeness and inconsiderate behavior by people. I was shopping this weekend and was in a store looking at a display. A young couple with a stroller came in, pushed in front of me and took up the entire area. When I asked to move in to get the thing I was interested in, they both just glared and didn't move. I simply left the store. I tried walking around the mall, looking for ideas and inspiration for gifts and my mood, but all I ended up with was irritation and frustration.
The holidays should be about friends, family, and joy. It shouldn't be about finding the perfect present - or at least one that doesn't suck. It should be about being with the people you love - not about how much money you spend on gifts. I need to figure out how to embrace the holidays the way I want to. I plan to spend tomorow evening with a friend and then meet up with friends over the weekend. But...that doesn't address the loneliness around some of the traditions.
I so want to spend an entire day baking fun stuff. But the idea of doing it by myself this year just makes me want to avoid it all together. As I said..."humbug". Anyone want to come over and play??
I've been thinking all this thru and still not coming to any kind of conclusion. Yule is a week away and Christmas is a week and a half away. I need to figure this out soon or the entire season will have passed me by. Am I being too much like Charlie Brown? Oh, no...I'm mixing my Christmas stories now...I'm really losing it...I don't think I need the Ghosts of Christmas. But maybe I do need a Linus...
Happy holidays, my friends. I wish you love and joy during this very confusing season.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Loss
I was 27 when my father died unexpectedly. A year before, in February of 1989, my mother died. It was just a month after I returned home from New York and college. While it was horrible to lose her, she had been ill for a number of years...it wasn't all together unexpected. But two weeks short of a year later, my father had a heart attack while he was plowing snow on a Monday morning. No warning, no preparation...he was just gone.
I had a very special relationship with my father. I was Daddy's Little Girl. His love for me was unconditional. I knew, no matter what happened, he was always there for me. I knew that if I fell, he was there to pick me up. If I was wrong, he would tell me I was wrong, but always let me know he loved me anyway. Hugs from Daddy were unlike any other. When he hugged me, I knew I was safe; nothing bad could happen.
I remember a conversation we had when I was in college. It was just the two of us, driving somewhere when I was home on vacation. He asked me what I hoped to do once I graduated. I told him my big dreams, but also said as long as I could play, I really didn't care. He asked what I would do if things didn't work out as I hoped. I remember saying, "I don't know." He very quietly said, "well, know you can always come home." I knew I had a safety net.
Which brings me to today. I'm stuck in a dead-end place, allowing people to push me around and walk over me. I'm scared to "jump" because I'm worried about finances, and on a certain level, feel I don't deserve better. Seriously??? This isn't "me". There was a time when I would have politely told some of these people exactly what I thought of them and then walked out the door. Why don't I just do that? My mantra seems to have become "I'm stuck...I have no safety net."
Yes...I lost my safety net almost 22 years ago. For quite awhile, I tried to be true to myself and be the person my father knew I was. But with time, and worry about debt, I settled into a "real" job. Circumstances continued, and my underlying feeling of being less important has become more dominant. Who am I kidding? It's taken over. I've allowed it to push out my self confidence, my self belief. Everything my father saw and nurtured.
In my counceling session, she asked me "why can't you find that safety net within yourself? It is what your father would have wanted for you." Yes...he would have wanted that. But without his physical presence, I've found it almost impossible. Why???
I think I never really dealt with losing him. It was such a traumatic event. The night before, I fixed his favorite supper and we started to watch a movie. He was falling asleep in the chair so he went to bed. I heard him leaving in the middle of the night, to go out and plow the remnants of the snow storm. A few hours later....he was gone. I felt like a 5 year old that morning. An orphan....then there was estate stuff to deal with, and all the crap that entails. I had to be an adult and move on. And I did that. But...I think I left the confident little girl behind.
How do I get her back? How do I feel my father's belief and unconditional love within myself? My friend, Kim said, "he's within you - he's part of you. He helped make you." I then got a package in the mail yesterday. It was from a friend - someone whom I've never actually met, but we know each other through an online forum. It is a necklace with the inscription of The Serenity Prayer. In the card, she said she knew I was going through a rough time and wanted to send me something to let me know my friends are always with me when things get difficult and frustrating.
Wow...I have a circle of friends around me who love me; who believe in me; who see the real me. They see the same person my father knew. I just need to see her, too.
Stop; breath; believe. I know that confident girl is in here. I know that when I allow myself to open up my heart, I'll feel my father's energy again. To do that, I need to let go of the pain of the loss. Then...I can string my own safety net. So, I'll begin with this:
I miss you, Daddy, more than I've allowed myself to know.
I had a very special relationship with my father. I was Daddy's Little Girl. His love for me was unconditional. I knew, no matter what happened, he was always there for me. I knew that if I fell, he was there to pick me up. If I was wrong, he would tell me I was wrong, but always let me know he loved me anyway. Hugs from Daddy were unlike any other. When he hugged me, I knew I was safe; nothing bad could happen.
I remember a conversation we had when I was in college. It was just the two of us, driving somewhere when I was home on vacation. He asked me what I hoped to do once I graduated. I told him my big dreams, but also said as long as I could play, I really didn't care. He asked what I would do if things didn't work out as I hoped. I remember saying, "I don't know." He very quietly said, "well, know you can always come home." I knew I had a safety net.
Which brings me to today. I'm stuck in a dead-end place, allowing people to push me around and walk over me. I'm scared to "jump" because I'm worried about finances, and on a certain level, feel I don't deserve better. Seriously??? This isn't "me". There was a time when I would have politely told some of these people exactly what I thought of them and then walked out the door. Why don't I just do that? My mantra seems to have become "I'm stuck...I have no safety net."
Yes...I lost my safety net almost 22 years ago. For quite awhile, I tried to be true to myself and be the person my father knew I was. But with time, and worry about debt, I settled into a "real" job. Circumstances continued, and my underlying feeling of being less important has become more dominant. Who am I kidding? It's taken over. I've allowed it to push out my self confidence, my self belief. Everything my father saw and nurtured.
In my counceling session, she asked me "why can't you find that safety net within yourself? It is what your father would have wanted for you." Yes...he would have wanted that. But without his physical presence, I've found it almost impossible. Why???
I think I never really dealt with losing him. It was such a traumatic event. The night before, I fixed his favorite supper and we started to watch a movie. He was falling asleep in the chair so he went to bed. I heard him leaving in the middle of the night, to go out and plow the remnants of the snow storm. A few hours later....he was gone. I felt like a 5 year old that morning. An orphan....then there was estate stuff to deal with, and all the crap that entails. I had to be an adult and move on. And I did that. But...I think I left the confident little girl behind.
How do I get her back? How do I feel my father's belief and unconditional love within myself? My friend, Kim said, "he's within you - he's part of you. He helped make you." I then got a package in the mail yesterday. It was from a friend - someone whom I've never actually met, but we know each other through an online forum. It is a necklace with the inscription of The Serenity Prayer. In the card, she said she knew I was going through a rough time and wanted to send me something to let me know my friends are always with me when things get difficult and frustrating.
Wow...I have a circle of friends around me who love me; who believe in me; who see the real me. They see the same person my father knew. I just need to see her, too.
Stop; breath; believe. I know that confident girl is in here. I know that when I allow myself to open up my heart, I'll feel my father's energy again. To do that, I need to let go of the pain of the loss. Then...I can string my own safety net. So, I'll begin with this:
I miss you, Daddy, more than I've allowed myself to know.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Emerging...
Since my epiphany last week, I've been very aware of "me". I watched my reactions to things and listened to what I've been saying. It's been quite enlightening. I heard me putting myself down...a lot. So, I tried to be more honest with myself. The result - I've felt happier and more relaxed, in spite of some stressful stuff at work. I was actually able to walk out at night and, for the most part, turn the stuff off.
The weekend was wonderful! I was super busy, but I performed in a friend's fundraiser concert and had a blast. I didn't shy away from compliments and just enjoyed the time with friends. (And some amazing popcorn from the concessions!) Sunday was supper with my "sisters" and just being in the moment. It was the best couple of days I've had in a few months.
Monday was okay - work was a zoo, but it was Halloween. And it was fun! Lots of kids, great costumes, and the house looked great. Then Tuesday arrived...
It felt as though, at every turn, I was being accosted by "crap". Every time I tried to stand up and be "me", I was put down. It was quite obvious that my "me" was not what was desired. By Wednesday afternoon, I had pretty much reverted to the suppressed me. Last night was horrible. I felt defeated, beaten, and depressed. This morning picked up exactly where Wednesday left off. And I'd had it...
When confronted with some rather unnecessary comments, I refused to back down or take responsibility for their issues. I stood my ground and stood up for me. That resulted in more "crap". I had this moment of thinking "two options: give in or fight". I took option 2. That is "the real me". I stood up for myself and then simply walked away...letting the dust fall where it wished. Funnily enough...I haven't seen a dust cloud. At least, not yet...
I realize I'm in a spot. How do I suppress who I really am in order to conform to what they want? And as I typed that sentence, my brain was screaming "WHY DO YOU WANT TO?" Wow. There's that brick wall at the end of the one way dead end street.
Okay - I see the narrow alley...I just have to push my way down it to get out. I know I can't stay here...it is quite honestly, suffocating me. I feel like I can't breath with all the exhaust. Is my car stalled or am I just not putting my foot on the gas pedal?
Ground, center, and breath. And put my foot on the pedal. What do I have to lose?
The weekend was wonderful! I was super busy, but I performed in a friend's fundraiser concert and had a blast. I didn't shy away from compliments and just enjoyed the time with friends. (And some amazing popcorn from the concessions!) Sunday was supper with my "sisters" and just being in the moment. It was the best couple of days I've had in a few months.
Monday was okay - work was a zoo, but it was Halloween. And it was fun! Lots of kids, great costumes, and the house looked great. Then Tuesday arrived...
It felt as though, at every turn, I was being accosted by "crap". Every time I tried to stand up and be "me", I was put down. It was quite obvious that my "me" was not what was desired. By Wednesday afternoon, I had pretty much reverted to the suppressed me. Last night was horrible. I felt defeated, beaten, and depressed. This morning picked up exactly where Wednesday left off. And I'd had it...
When confronted with some rather unnecessary comments, I refused to back down or take responsibility for their issues. I stood my ground and stood up for me. That resulted in more "crap". I had this moment of thinking "two options: give in or fight". I took option 2. That is "the real me". I stood up for myself and then simply walked away...letting the dust fall where it wished. Funnily enough...I haven't seen a dust cloud. At least, not yet...
I realize I'm in a spot. How do I suppress who I really am in order to conform to what they want? And as I typed that sentence, my brain was screaming "WHY DO YOU WANT TO?" Wow. There's that brick wall at the end of the one way dead end street.
Okay - I see the narrow alley...I just have to push my way down it to get out. I know I can't stay here...it is quite honestly, suffocating me. I feel like I can't breath with all the exhaust. Is my car stalled or am I just not putting my foot on the gas pedal?
Ground, center, and breath. And put my foot on the pedal. What do I have to lose?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Thank you, Dave Matthews
I've been spending a great deal of time and energy over the past month working through the "who the hell am I anymore" question. I felt like I was going around and around in circles in my head. I realized I was getting nowhere with the question...
A couple of days ago, I decided I needed something different to listen to in my car on the way to work. I looked at my CDs (yes...I still use CDs...not an MP3 player...) and saw the Dave Matthews Band CD "Under the Table and Dreaming". I hadn't listened to that in a very long time, so I grabbed it and headed out the door. Today, as the CD was playing, the lyrics to "Dancing Nancies" hit my brain front and center. I've listened to that song for years, but never really heard it...
I look up at the sky
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn, turn we almost become dizzy
I am who I am who I am who am I
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Sing and dance I'll play for you tonight
And thrill at it all
Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out
I look back on my life and I remember how I used to be. I had a goal, a drive, a desire. Events happened and those things changed. Why? Because I let them. When I first came home from New York, I tried to be true to myself. But debt kept increasing and my fears started to take over. I remember the day I said "I need to get a real job." And for awhile, it was okay. I was lucky as I took a job where I could still be "me" and that was okay. However, as time went on, who I am started butting heads with "superiors" at work. SO...I've tried to continually mold me into what they think I should be. Somewhere in the last 15 years, I've lost me. But deep down, I'm screaming to get out. SO...
I am who I am. I am forthright, loving, supportive, and talented. I am also insecure, loud, opinionated, and bossy. I'm continually beaten up with the constant reprimand to suppress the second set of descriptors and I'm exhausted.
I need to be who I am. I can't be anyone one else; it doesn't work. I know that I need to figure out how to balance who I am with who "they" want me to be. But I cannot allow that to overpower "me". I need to get back to being myself and not allow fear of rejection or feelings of inferiority to overtake who I truly am. I am special and unique. I am as important as anyone else.
Today at noontime, as the song was playing, I was watching the sky...there were dark clouds moving, but the the sun started breaking through. And I started to cry. Thank you, Dave Matthews...I am who I am, and I WILL work it out.
A couple of days ago, I decided I needed something different to listen to in my car on the way to work. I looked at my CDs (yes...I still use CDs...not an MP3 player...) and saw the Dave Matthews Band CD "Under the Table and Dreaming". I hadn't listened to that in a very long time, so I grabbed it and headed out the door. Today, as the CD was playing, the lyrics to "Dancing Nancies" hit my brain front and center. I've listened to that song for years, but never really heard it...
I look up at the sky
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn, turn we almost become dizzy
I am who I am who I am who am I
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Sing and dance I'll play for you tonight
And thrill at it all
Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out
I look back on my life and I remember how I used to be. I had a goal, a drive, a desire. Events happened and those things changed. Why? Because I let them. When I first came home from New York, I tried to be true to myself. But debt kept increasing and my fears started to take over. I remember the day I said "I need to get a real job." And for awhile, it was okay. I was lucky as I took a job where I could still be "me" and that was okay. However, as time went on, who I am started butting heads with "superiors" at work. SO...I've tried to continually mold me into what they think I should be. Somewhere in the last 15 years, I've lost me. But deep down, I'm screaming to get out. SO...
I am who I am. I am forthright, loving, supportive, and talented. I am also insecure, loud, opinionated, and bossy. I'm continually beaten up with the constant reprimand to suppress the second set of descriptors and I'm exhausted.
I need to be who I am. I can't be anyone one else; it doesn't work. I know that I need to figure out how to balance who I am with who "they" want me to be. But I cannot allow that to overpower "me". I need to get back to being myself and not allow fear of rejection or feelings of inferiority to overtake who I truly am. I am special and unique. I am as important as anyone else.
Today at noontime, as the song was playing, I was watching the sky...there were dark clouds moving, but the the sun started breaking through. And I started to cry. Thank you, Dave Matthews...I am who I am, and I WILL work it out.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
"I'll be fine..."
I started writing this a week ago. For some reason all my thoughts just wouldn't meld into a cohesive entry, so I knew I needed to step away from it for a bit. I didn't realize why until I had another session with my life coach....this is going to be difficult to write about....but, here I go...
"I'll be fine..." We all say it at some point. Others of us - like me - say it A LOT. Why the hell do we say it? Do we mean it? I thought I knew what I meant, but after really looking at it...wow....
I say it because I truly don't feel I am important enough to bother anyone with how I really feel. Or I don't want to upset them if they've done something to upset me. Because...I'm less important. I shouldn't say, "you know when you said such and such, I felt badly about it" or "I was hoping someone would call me to make plans for my birthday instead of me trying to find someone to spend time with. I felt sad about it." No...I can't say that. It is selfish. I shouldn't express my feelings that way. It will upset people.
But I'm upset. Why is THAT okay? The answer is: it isn't okay. I am as important as anyone else. I should be the most important person to me. Intellectually, I know that. But in my heart...I've always felt second best. I can go into detail as to all the little things said and done throughout my life that would explain it, but that would just be putting all my psyche on display. Just know...I feel that way. I know LOTS of people feel that way and will understand what I mean.
I find it next to impossible to accept a compliment. I'm not that talented, I'm not that great a singer/actor/director, I'm certainly not pretty. Whenever anyone says I'm good at anything, I get uncomfortable, I blush, and I stammer. For crying out loud, woman, just say "Thank you" and let it go!! But I can't. And that's not okay, either.
Why am I writing about this? This is a very painful thing for me. I am putting out to the universe (or at least anyone who chooses to read this) that I believe I belong in second place to everyone and everything else. That is a pretty sucky place to be. As I said, in my head I know this isn't the way it should be. But at the bottom of my heart...I feel that. Which brings me to the point of the first post in my blog: I'm stuck at the end of a one way dead end street and I can't get out...because I can't inconvenience people by saying "get the hell out of my way so I can back up and get out of here."
Now what? I'm 49 years old. I can stay where I am and be miserable. Or...dare I say it? Finally look in my heart and acknowledge that, while I've been hurt, I'm not unimportant. I deserve to be happy. I deserve more than I am allowing myself to have.
Okay....this will take some work. But I've written it. On a blog. To post on the internet. All I have to do is click the "publish post" button. But before I do, I need to say - I am not writing this to have people feel sorry for me or to tell me "you're wonderful" (although, that's nice...but that's a compliment...okay...my head hurts now). I am writing because it helps me to focus all the ideas in my head (and my heart) so that they finally make sense outside my head, in the light of day. I am writing this because this is my journey on the highway of life. I can see an alley that might get me the hell out of this stupid dead end street. If I don't take it...the hurt wins. Right?
Hitting the "publish" button now....hang on, woman, it might be bumpy...
"I'll be fine..." We all say it at some point. Others of us - like me - say it A LOT. Why the hell do we say it? Do we mean it? I thought I knew what I meant, but after really looking at it...wow....
I say it because I truly don't feel I am important enough to bother anyone with how I really feel. Or I don't want to upset them if they've done something to upset me. Because...I'm less important. I shouldn't say, "you know when you said such and such, I felt badly about it" or "I was hoping someone would call me to make plans for my birthday instead of me trying to find someone to spend time with. I felt sad about it." No...I can't say that. It is selfish. I shouldn't express my feelings that way. It will upset people.
But I'm upset. Why is THAT okay? The answer is: it isn't okay. I am as important as anyone else. I should be the most important person to me. Intellectually, I know that. But in my heart...I've always felt second best. I can go into detail as to all the little things said and done throughout my life that would explain it, but that would just be putting all my psyche on display. Just know...I feel that way. I know LOTS of people feel that way and will understand what I mean.
I find it next to impossible to accept a compliment. I'm not that talented, I'm not that great a singer/actor/director, I'm certainly not pretty. Whenever anyone says I'm good at anything, I get uncomfortable, I blush, and I stammer. For crying out loud, woman, just say "Thank you" and let it go!! But I can't. And that's not okay, either.
Why am I writing about this? This is a very painful thing for me. I am putting out to the universe (or at least anyone who chooses to read this) that I believe I belong in second place to everyone and everything else. That is a pretty sucky place to be. As I said, in my head I know this isn't the way it should be. But at the bottom of my heart...I feel that. Which brings me to the point of the first post in my blog: I'm stuck at the end of a one way dead end street and I can't get out...because I can't inconvenience people by saying "get the hell out of my way so I can back up and get out of here."
Now what? I'm 49 years old. I can stay where I am and be miserable. Or...dare I say it? Finally look in my heart and acknowledge that, while I've been hurt, I'm not unimportant. I deserve to be happy. I deserve more than I am allowing myself to have.
Okay....this will take some work. But I've written it. On a blog. To post on the internet. All I have to do is click the "publish post" button. But before I do, I need to say - I am not writing this to have people feel sorry for me or to tell me "you're wonderful" (although, that's nice...but that's a compliment...okay...my head hurts now). I am writing because it helps me to focus all the ideas in my head (and my heart) so that they finally make sense outside my head, in the light of day. I am writing this because this is my journey on the highway of life. I can see an alley that might get me the hell out of this stupid dead end street. If I don't take it...the hurt wins. Right?
Hitting the "publish" button now....hang on, woman, it might be bumpy...
Monday, October 3, 2011
Intimidation
I heard it again today...imtimidating. It was used as an adjective to describe me.
I am used to a variety of descriptors used in my direction - loud, verbose, sarcastic, smart, fat. Those I get; those I can understand. I don't understand "intimidating". I've asked some of the people who have used that term to explain why. They hem and haw, and give me some vague reasons - "it's hard to explain...you just are". Really? That helps me understand.
I know I want honesty from everyone, and I try to be that honest myself. I don't like to let things stew - I prefer to deal with them sooner rather than later. I work hard to be good at what I do, be it work or in my art. I don't think I expect more from people than I expect from myself. Does that make me intimidating?
The definition of intimidate is:
1. to make timid; fill with fear.
I am used to a variety of descriptors used in my direction - loud, verbose, sarcastic, smart, fat. Those I get; those I can understand. I don't understand "intimidating". I've asked some of the people who have used that term to explain why. They hem and haw, and give me some vague reasons - "it's hard to explain...you just are". Really? That helps me understand.
I know I want honesty from everyone, and I try to be that honest myself. I don't like to let things stew - I prefer to deal with them sooner rather than later. I work hard to be good at what I do, be it work or in my art. I don't think I expect more from people than I expect from myself. Does that make me intimidating?
The definition of intimidate is:
1. to make timid; fill with fear.
2. to overawe or cow, as through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent, etc.
3. to force into or deter from some action by inducing fear.
Okay...that makes it worse. I'm scary?
I am working to figure out who I am and where I'm going. This label of "intimidating" is troubling. I don't like thinking that people are scared of me. I need to sort through why I am perceived this way. Is there something I need to change? Is it me? Or is it that many people find forthright, gregarious, smart woman intimidating?
So many questions...
Saturday, October 1, 2011
New Inbetweeners?
Today I went clothes shopping with my friends, Kim & Terri. I was confronted with the horrible problem facing women my age: suitability.
Clothing for women basically comes in a two "styles": suitable for 20-somethings or suitable for grandmothers. As we strolled through the store, I kept seeing things and thinking "ooh, I like that! Oh, wait...it's too young for me" and "yeesh...that's matronly". I ended up finding some generic black pants and a generic green sweater. Sort of sporty, but plain.
I know I'm 49, but in my head I usually think of my self around 35. I don't feel "old" (okay, some days I do), and most people say I don't look my age. But...if I would to try to wear those young-looking fashions I would look ridiculous. And if I went with the matronly fashions I would feel lousy. Why isn't there a middle ground for us?? I mean...have you tried to buy a pair of jeans lately? They are "distressed" with all kinds of sequins and stuff on them; funky dye patterns with highly embroidered pockets; or totally plain with tapered legs that NO woman should EVER wear. *sigh*
In the Old Ways, there is The Triple Goddess: celebrating the three phases of feminine existence - maiden, mother, and crone. The problem is the world has changed and we live much longer than before. We are stuck into the crone phase for a very long time now. Can't we find a 4th level - something to go between mother and crone?
We are Inbetweeners. Too old for motherhood, but not the wise women crones are expected to be. We aren't trying to hide from our age, but not be pushed into a catagory we aren't quite ready for yet. And I would like to be able to wear clothes that don't make me look ridiculous.
Clothing for women basically comes in a two "styles": suitable for 20-somethings or suitable for grandmothers. As we strolled through the store, I kept seeing things and thinking "ooh, I like that! Oh, wait...it's too young for me" and "yeesh...that's matronly". I ended up finding some generic black pants and a generic green sweater. Sort of sporty, but plain.
I know I'm 49, but in my head I usually think of my self around 35. I don't feel "old" (okay, some days I do), and most people say I don't look my age. But...if I would to try to wear those young-looking fashions I would look ridiculous. And if I went with the matronly fashions I would feel lousy. Why isn't there a middle ground for us?? I mean...have you tried to buy a pair of jeans lately? They are "distressed" with all kinds of sequins and stuff on them; funky dye patterns with highly embroidered pockets; or totally plain with tapered legs that NO woman should EVER wear. *sigh*
In the Old Ways, there is The Triple Goddess: celebrating the three phases of feminine existence - maiden, mother, and crone. The problem is the world has changed and we live much longer than before. We are stuck into the crone phase for a very long time now. Can't we find a 4th level - something to go between mother and crone?
We are Inbetweeners. Too old for motherhood, but not the wise women crones are expected to be. We aren't trying to hide from our age, but not be pushed into a catagory we aren't quite ready for yet. And I would like to be able to wear clothes that don't make me look ridiculous.
Friday, September 30, 2011
And so I begin the journey...
I always swore I would never do this. "Who the hell would be the least bit interested in the inner workings of my weird mind?" "It's so self-indulgent to put your thoughts out into the ether like that." Well....after reading a few blogs belonging to my friends, I've come to the conclusion that yes, it is a bit self-indulgent, but theraputic as well. I also have come to understand these friends in a way I never did before. It is a way for them to express thoughts in an organized and methodical way, allowing the ideas to become clearer to them...and to us. SO...here I go.
I had my 49th birthday on Saturday. It was not a happy one, for a number of reasons. But a significant reason is that I am now entering that "middle aged" label. My brother turned 60 four days after my birthday. And I saw that my other brother, who will be 51 in December, joined AARP. He had the newest magazine...and Antonio Banderas in on the cover. WTF??
I am 49 and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or what is left of it. I had a plan when I was 23...I was going to be the next great percussionist, playing for the Metropolitan Opera. Well, the Universe had other ideas: I returned to Vermont and developed tendonitis in my wrists. I then tried to be pragmatic and get a "real job". I've been stuck ever since.
I have a certain philosophy of life. We are all on the road, driving. We start on the slow back roads and gradually work our way up to driving on the big highways, and then to the multi-lane thruways/interstates. Sometimes, things will push you off the highway at an exit you didn't intend. Usually, after a little detour, you can find the entrance and get back on. Sometimes...you drive along on this other less crowded road; you can see the highway, but no entrance presents itself. Then you come to an intersection. You have no idea which direction to take, so you try to look down the roads and decide which one looks "the best". Sometimes, it is a lovely drive with beautiful views...other times, it is all slums and grim. You then come to other intersections and must make choices of where to go. Ultimately, you end up on a road that is smooth and has lovely views.
I was on the multi-lane highway and got shoved off. Thru a series of intersections, I've ended up where I am right now: at the end of a one-way street, with a brick wall in front of me. I can't back up...or I feel I can't because that is breaking the rules - it's a ONE WAY STREET for pity's sake! And I cannot seem to find an alley that my vehicle can squeeze thru to find another road.
Or perhaps I have. About a month ago, I took the scary step of starting to see a life coach/counselor. There seems to be a bit of a skinny alley way that she has shown me. With her help, I am beginning to try to push down the alley. So far, there is quite a bit of scratching of the car's body panels...but it is some movement. I might be a bit beaten up when I get thru the alley...but I won't be at the end of the one-way street any longer.
But what road will I come out on? That's the next step of the journey....
I had my 49th birthday on Saturday. It was not a happy one, for a number of reasons. But a significant reason is that I am now entering that "middle aged" label. My brother turned 60 four days after my birthday. And I saw that my other brother, who will be 51 in December, joined AARP. He had the newest magazine...and Antonio Banderas in on the cover. WTF??
I am 49 and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or what is left of it. I had a plan when I was 23...I was going to be the next great percussionist, playing for the Metropolitan Opera. Well, the Universe had other ideas: I returned to Vermont and developed tendonitis in my wrists. I then tried to be pragmatic and get a "real job". I've been stuck ever since.
I have a certain philosophy of life. We are all on the road, driving. We start on the slow back roads and gradually work our way up to driving on the big highways, and then to the multi-lane thruways/interstates. Sometimes, things will push you off the highway at an exit you didn't intend. Usually, after a little detour, you can find the entrance and get back on. Sometimes...you drive along on this other less crowded road; you can see the highway, but no entrance presents itself. Then you come to an intersection. You have no idea which direction to take, so you try to look down the roads and decide which one looks "the best". Sometimes, it is a lovely drive with beautiful views...other times, it is all slums and grim. You then come to other intersections and must make choices of where to go. Ultimately, you end up on a road that is smooth and has lovely views.
I was on the multi-lane highway and got shoved off. Thru a series of intersections, I've ended up where I am right now: at the end of a one-way street, with a brick wall in front of me. I can't back up...or I feel I can't because that is breaking the rules - it's a ONE WAY STREET for pity's sake! And I cannot seem to find an alley that my vehicle can squeeze thru to find another road.
Or perhaps I have. About a month ago, I took the scary step of starting to see a life coach/counselor. There seems to be a bit of a skinny alley way that she has shown me. With her help, I am beginning to try to push down the alley. So far, there is quite a bit of scratching of the car's body panels...but it is some movement. I might be a bit beaten up when I get thru the alley...but I won't be at the end of the one-way street any longer.
But what road will I come out on? That's the next step of the journey....
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