I was 27 when my father died unexpectedly. A year before, in February of 1989, my mother died. It was just a month after I returned home from New York and college. While it was horrible to lose her, she had been ill for a number of years...it wasn't all together unexpected. But two weeks short of a year later, my father had a heart attack while he was plowing snow on a Monday morning. No warning, no preparation...he was just gone.
I had a very special relationship with my father. I was Daddy's Little Girl. His love for me was unconditional. I knew, no matter what happened, he was always there for me. I knew that if I fell, he was there to pick me up. If I was wrong, he would tell me I was wrong, but always let me know he loved me anyway. Hugs from Daddy were unlike any other. When he hugged me, I knew I was safe; nothing bad could happen.
I remember a conversation we had when I was in college. It was just the two of us, driving somewhere when I was home on vacation. He asked me what I hoped to do once I graduated. I told him my big dreams, but also said as long as I could play, I really didn't care. He asked what I would do if things didn't work out as I hoped. I remember saying, "I don't know." He very quietly said, "well, know you can always come home." I knew I had a safety net.
Which brings me to today. I'm stuck in a dead-end place, allowing people to push me around and walk over me. I'm scared to "jump" because I'm worried about finances, and on a certain level, feel I don't deserve better. Seriously??? This isn't "me". There was a time when I would have politely told some of these people exactly what I thought of them and then walked out the door. Why don't I just do that? My mantra seems to have become "I'm stuck...I have no safety net."
Yes...I lost my safety net almost 22 years ago. For quite awhile, I tried to be true to myself and be the person my father knew I was. But with time, and worry about debt, I settled into a "real" job. Circumstances continued, and my underlying feeling of being less important has become more dominant. Who am I kidding? It's taken over. I've allowed it to push out my self confidence, my self belief. Everything my father saw and nurtured.
In my counceling session, she asked me "why can't you find that safety net within yourself? It is what your father would have wanted for you." Yes...he would have wanted that. But without his physical presence, I've found it almost impossible. Why???
I think I never really dealt with losing him. It was such a traumatic event. The night before, I fixed his favorite supper and we started to watch a movie. He was falling asleep in the chair so he went to bed. I heard him leaving in the middle of the night, to go out and plow the remnants of the snow storm. A few hours later....he was gone. I felt like a 5 year old that morning. An orphan....then there was estate stuff to deal with, and all the crap that entails. I had to be an adult and move on. And I did that. But...I think I left the confident little girl behind.
How do I get her back? How do I feel my father's belief and unconditional love within myself? My friend, Kim said, "he's within you - he's part of you. He helped make you." I then got a package in the mail yesterday. It was from a friend - someone whom I've never actually met, but we know each other through an online forum. It is a necklace with the inscription of The Serenity Prayer. In the card, she said she knew I was going through a rough time and wanted to send me something to let me know my friends are always with me when things get difficult and frustrating.
Wow...I have a circle of friends around me who love me; who believe in me; who see the real me. They see the same person my father knew. I just need to see her, too.
Stop; breath; believe. I know that confident girl is in here. I know that when I allow myself to open up my heart, I'll feel my father's energy again. To do that, I need to let go of the pain of the loss. Then...I can string my own safety net. So, I'll begin with this:
I miss you, Daddy, more than I've allowed myself to know.
4 comments:
Margie, your posts always make me think about how similar my life is to yours. Here I am, at 36, without a job for over a year and no direction even though I'm back in school trying to pursue horticulture. I have been thinking more and more of my dad lately, as gardening was his passion. Your dad is always with you, ready to catch you. Love and hugs!!!
Yes your dad and your mom are with you if you allow the spirit within to connect.
Don't let those people at work define who you are, let your love for your father and his love for you define that you are a daughter of worth and value and always will be. ♥♥♥♥ Beautiful post ♥♥♥♥
I don't think I've told you how much I love your blog title. I've told you what I see and how I describe you to people. You ARE a goddess and an artistic powerhouse. Also I know the general public might not notice unless you see that in yourself. You will, you are working hard and you have friends who love you...yes, an abrupt ending. Mae is upstairs crying. I think it's a fake cry but her brother needs to sleep too.
Oh Honey,
This just made me cry, but in a good way, because I am mourning the man I never met. I am so glad that I met you all those years ago, and though I've always lamented that I never met your parents, I know they live on in you, and that I am blessed to be able to know you, and to know them THROUGH you. Keep that raw pain near to you in the coming days, and the tenderness toward yourself. It's the first of many steps. Big hugs, Love ya, I'm very proud to see you taking your first steps on this journey of awakening, Kimmi
Post a Comment