Since my epiphany last week, I've been very aware of "me". I watched my reactions to things and listened to what I've been saying. It's been quite enlightening. I heard me putting myself down...a lot. So, I tried to be more honest with myself. The result - I've felt happier and more relaxed, in spite of some stressful stuff at work. I was actually able to walk out at night and, for the most part, turn the stuff off.
The weekend was wonderful! I was super busy, but I performed in a friend's fundraiser concert and had a blast. I didn't shy away from compliments and just enjoyed the time with friends. (And some amazing popcorn from the concessions!) Sunday was supper with my "sisters" and just being in the moment. It was the best couple of days I've had in a few months.
Monday was okay - work was a zoo, but it was Halloween. And it was fun! Lots of kids, great costumes, and the house looked great. Then Tuesday arrived...
It felt as though, at every turn, I was being accosted by "crap". Every time I tried to stand up and be "me", I was put down. It was quite obvious that my "me" was not what was desired. By Wednesday afternoon, I had pretty much reverted to the suppressed me. Last night was horrible. I felt defeated, beaten, and depressed. This morning picked up exactly where Wednesday left off. And I'd had it...
When confronted with some rather unnecessary comments, I refused to back down or take responsibility for their issues. I stood my ground and stood up for me. That resulted in more "crap". I had this moment of thinking "two options: give in or fight". I took option 2. That is "the real me". I stood up for myself and then simply walked away...letting the dust fall where it wished. Funnily enough...I haven't seen a dust cloud. At least, not yet...
I realize I'm in a spot. How do I suppress who I really am in order to conform to what they want? And as I typed that sentence, my brain was screaming "WHY DO YOU WANT TO?" Wow. There's that brick wall at the end of the one way dead end street.
Okay - I see the narrow alley...I just have to push my way down it to get out. I know I can't stay here...it is quite honestly, suffocating me. I feel like I can't breath with all the exhaust. Is my car stalled or am I just not putting my foot on the gas pedal?
Ground, center, and breath. And put my foot on the pedal. What do I have to lose?
2 comments:
You go girl!! Life is too short to be stuck with the misrable, yes fight!! Great blog, stand for the right and be in the light!! Love this. ♥♥
I will stick my nose in, and give you my motto for overcoming fear:
"What's the worse that can happen?"
Take this seriously, or sarcastically (works either way). So far, nothing has been dealt to me in life that I couldn't handle. I am still here. I am still alive. And happiness and laughter always make appearances sooner or later. I am glad you enjoyed the show - it was absolutely lovely having you. A belated Merry Samhain to you <3
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