I've been spending a great deal of time and energy over the past month working through the "who the hell am I anymore" question. I felt like I was going around and around in circles in my head. I realized I was getting nowhere with the question...
A couple of days ago, I decided I needed something different to listen to in my car on the way to work. I looked at my CDs (yes...I still use CDs...not an MP3 player...) and saw the Dave Matthews Band CD "Under the Table and Dreaming". I hadn't listened to that in a very long time, so I grabbed it and headed out the door. Today, as the CD was playing, the lyrics to "Dancing Nancies" hit my brain front and center. I've listened to that song for years, but never really heard it...
I look up at the sky
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn, turn we almost become dizzy
I am who I am who I am who am I
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Sing and dance I'll play for you tonight
And thrill at it all
Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out
I look back on my life and I remember how I used to be. I had a goal, a drive, a desire. Events happened and those things changed. Why? Because I let them. When I first came home from New York, I tried to be true to myself. But debt kept increasing and my fears started to take over. I remember the day I said "I need to get a real job." And for awhile, it was okay. I was lucky as I took a job where I could still be "me" and that was okay. However, as time went on, who I am started butting heads with "superiors" at work. SO...I've tried to continually mold me into what they think I should be. Somewhere in the last 15 years, I've lost me. But deep down, I'm screaming to get out. SO...
I am who I am. I am forthright, loving, supportive, and talented. I am also insecure, loud, opinionated, and bossy. I'm continually beaten up with the constant reprimand to suppress the second set of descriptors and I'm exhausted.
I need to be who I am. I can't be anyone one else; it doesn't work. I know that I need to figure out how to balance who I am with who "they" want me to be. But I cannot allow that to overpower "me". I need to get back to being myself and not allow fear of rejection or feelings of inferiority to overtake who I truly am. I am special and unique. I am as important as anyone else.
Today at noontime, as the song was playing, I was watching the sky...there were dark clouds moving, but the the sun started breaking through. And I started to cry. Thank you, Dave Matthews...I am who I am, and I WILL work it out.
4 comments:
Gosh, Margie. Your words ring so true to my life. Hugs!!
I look forward to seeing you release what you feel you have been suppressing.
I look forward to meeting the Margie who unleashes her whole self. I already feel the Margie I know is amazing.
It's difficult to be who you are in a world that insists you must be who you are not in order to succeed. It's even more difficult to figure out who you are in the first place when you've spent so much of your life being who you think everyone else wants you to be because being those people is the only way you'll every be accepted or liked or hired. It's really just exhausting and no one ever appreciates the energy you expend in trying to be their ideal. Gotta be your own dog...it's a good goal.
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