I started writing this a week ago. For some reason all my thoughts just wouldn't meld into a cohesive entry, so I knew I needed to step away from it for a bit. I didn't realize why until I had another session with my life coach....this is going to be difficult to write about....but, here I go...
"I'll be fine..." We all say it at some point. Others of us - like me - say it A LOT. Why the hell do we say it? Do we mean it? I thought I knew what I meant, but after really looking at it...wow....
I say it because I truly don't feel I am important enough to bother anyone with how I really feel. Or I don't want to upset them if they've done something to upset me. Because...I'm less important. I shouldn't say, "you know when you said such and such, I felt badly about it" or "I was hoping someone would call me to make plans for my birthday instead of me trying to find someone to spend time with. I felt sad about it." No...I can't say that. It is selfish. I shouldn't express my feelings that way. It will upset people.
But I'm upset. Why is THAT okay? The answer is: it isn't okay. I am as important as anyone else. I should be the most important person to me. Intellectually, I know that. But in my heart...I've always felt second best. I can go into detail as to all the little things said and done throughout my life that would explain it, but that would just be putting all my psyche on display. Just know...I feel that way. I know LOTS of people feel that way and will understand what I mean.
I find it next to impossible to accept a compliment. I'm not that talented, I'm not that great a singer/actor/director, I'm certainly not pretty. Whenever anyone says I'm good at anything, I get uncomfortable, I blush, and I stammer. For crying out loud, woman, just say "Thank you" and let it go!! But I can't. And that's not okay, either.
Why am I writing about this? This is a very painful thing for me. I am putting out to the universe (or at least anyone who chooses to read this) that I believe I belong in second place to everyone and everything else. That is a pretty sucky place to be. As I said, in my head I know this isn't the way it should be. But at the bottom of my heart...I feel that. Which brings me to the point of the first post in my blog: I'm stuck at the end of a one way dead end street and I can't get out...because I can't inconvenience people by saying "get the hell out of my way so I can back up and get out of here."
Now what? I'm 49 years old. I can stay where I am and be miserable. Or...dare I say it? Finally look in my heart and acknowledge that, while I've been hurt, I'm not unimportant. I deserve to be happy. I deserve more than I am allowing myself to have.
Okay....this will take some work. But I've written it. On a blog. To post on the internet. All I have to do is click the "publish post" button. But before I do, I need to say - I am not writing this to have people feel sorry for me or to tell me "you're wonderful" (although, that's nice...but that's a compliment...okay...my head hurts now). I am writing because it helps me to focus all the ideas in my head (and my heart) so that they finally make sense outside my head, in the light of day. I am writing this because this is my journey on the highway of life. I can see an alley that might get me the hell out of this stupid dead end street. If I don't take it...the hurt wins. Right?
Hitting the "publish" button now....hang on, woman, it might be bumpy...
7 comments:
You took the words right out of my mouth Margie!!! Hugs to you!
Parts of this I could have written about myself Margie. But you wrote it so well and I do so understand!
I always put myself last, everyone else first. And I feel guilty if I do put myself first for anything. I stuff my hurts deep so they don't show, but that's not the thing to do.
You, Margie, are important. To a lot of people who love you very much. Also a very brave woman for putting your feelings into words. On the internet, sharing with the world. Good for you, I'm proud of you!
You have a lot of support behind you as you make your journey. ♥♥
OK, let's try this again.
Not my original comment, but an agreement with everything you said (specially the bit about birthdays), and as Linda said it so well, first, no need to repeat.
Hugs, my friend!
Now let's try to sign in again!
I know the feeling, Margie. You have such courage to actually put your vulnerability out there. I don't think you realize how many people you have helped over the years, most likely some at the expense of your own needs. You deserve second place to no one. You deserve first place in your own life all the way. Love and hugs.
Congrats on discovering and embracing one of the basic truths of life, dear friend.
It is hard to adhere to at times,because we are taught "ourself" is not a PC concept.
But THAT is wrong.
Everyone needs to stand up and say YEA ME on a regular basis.
And with that,also don't forget that sometimes the magic words are "Sorry, but my answer is no.
very well said .... more people feel that same way than you can even imagine ..... I know from experience (read my blog, esp the first post and you will understand).... but you have taken some major steps to overcoming .... hugs and prayers to you, dear friend
That is Cheesecake worthy! Hugs to you Margie!
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