The Dark Knight is crying...

Yesterday when I left work, I headed to Essex Cinemas for the Dark Knight Marathon, starting at 6:30, ending with the 12:05 am premier of The Dark Knight Rises.  I met friends and had a fantastic fun time.  I got home sometime after 3:30 am and went straight to bed.  When I got up this morning, I discovered the news of the shooting in Colorado at their 12:05 am viewing of the same film.

To say that I was stunned, shocked, and saddened is an understatement.  As I was watching the news on the Denver television station, the reality of what happened began to sink in to me.  It was all too close for comfort.

We watched the entire trilogy yesterday and the arc of the story really hit me to my core.  The character of Bruce Wayne was stripped down to his base, flawed, humanity - and was in such a place of darkness.  As the movies unfold, he confronts his fears and his flaws and moves forward with his life.  He goes from darkness into light.  It hit me how similar that followed my own progression over the past year.  Not unlike the character, I was lost and needed help to find my way out of the darkness that I had allowed myself to fall into.  With the help of my wonderful counselor, I am emerging into the light and feeling connected to myself for the first time in years.  I have a clearer vision of who I am and what I want from life.  Watching the end of the final film, I was in tears, feeling the connection to my own journey. 

Then, watching the reports from Aurora this morning, I was just shaken to my foundation.  I kept going back in my mind to being in the theatre. surrounded by 450 people all excited about the film, cheering each and every thing as the movie unfolded.  The idea of a crazy person walking in and opening fire on all of us, is something that is so surreal, yet I know it could happen.  Because it did happen.

I've been reading posts on the internet and hearing reporters talking about the film and how it may have contributed to this event happening.  And apparently the man who did this claimed that he was being The Joker. 

It breaks my heart that so many people are deflecting the issue onto the film.  Society needs to look at itself and how this young man could get to the point of doing such a horrendous thing.  And how was he able to get all the stuff he had to do this?  He was wearing fully body armour; he had high power automatic weapons; he had chemical cannisters - tear gas or something.  How the hell was he able to accumulate all that?  How did he get to the point in his mind where he would actually perform this horrendous act? 

It saddens me so much to think this young man only saw the violence in the Batman movies and wanted to emulate that. Why couldn't he see the message of the films - vigilante justice doesn't work. Even Batman realized he was only creating more of what he was trying to stop. But working with people, facing your fears, and seeing the light, you can accomplish anything.

Over the past few years, we've had the Columbine shootings, the Virginia Tech shootings, the shootings at the Jewish children's school in Toulouse France, the shootings in Norway, and the shootings at the primary school in Dunblane, Scotland.  That doesn't include the myriad of "smaller" events that happen all over the place.  What is happening to our society?

I've been crying off and on all day, thinking of the terror those people felt on a night that was supposed to be such fun for everyone.  Crying, thinking of the families of those people and unable to imagine their sense of loss. 

Somehow, I also think The Dark Knight would be crying too....

23 years....

23 years ago, also a Saturday, just before 6 a.m. I was aware that I heard the phone ring.  A few minutes later, my father was standing in the room with the news.  My mother had died. 

I was 26 years old.  Exactly one month prior, I walked out of the stage door of Whitman Hall at Brooklyn College having performed my recital for my degree.  I made the choice to return to Vermont as my mother’s long illness had progressed very quickly over the previous few months.  10 days after returning home, she entered the hospital and died 20 days later.

I’ve been thinking a great deal about how I still feel her loss so keenly.  We had just begun to reach that point in a mother/daughter relationship where it moves into a deep friendship.  I lost that as well as my mother.  I had also arrived at the moment of my life where I was finally coming into my own.  But with her death, I felt….stopped. 

And that is how I still feel today.  I have tried to write this blog for hours.  I keep writing about choices, emotions, hopes, etc…and it all sounds forced and self serving.

SO…Mother, I miss you terribly.  I know I’ve made choices in my life that took me on a different road than I was planning.  Some of that came about with losing you; losing your advice, support, and opinion. 

I am working hard to examine my choices and continue to move forward.  How I wish you were here to talk to…to give me advice.  I try to think what you would think or say, but I’ve lived almost as long without you as I did with you.  It’s hard to know what you would think anymore. 

I think I am making progress on my journey forward.  I think you would approve of some of my recent choices.  I feel more and more I am finally coming into “me”.  I hope you would like who I have become.

I love you, Mother. 

Respect

This rant has been a long time in coming...but after some things that happened today, it has finally become time to say it...

What is this overwhelming "me me me me me" thing?  It's everywhere and includes people of all ages.  I drive about 55 miles a day commuting to and from work.  I spend a great deal of that time being concerned about the crazy drivers who will do anything possible to gain a single car length because they are so much more important than anyone else on the road. 

I was in a store last week and witnessed a twenty-something guy yelling at the cashier because the register glitched.  He had to reswipe his credit card.  Oh, the horror...

A new "Five Guys" restaurant opened in our area a couple of weeks ago.  The line was out the door to place your order and then equally as long as we all waited for our food.  I watched 2 older ladies - probably in their 70's - jump the line.  No explanation, but walked in and shoved into the line to place their order.  The cashier didn't know what to do, but went ahead and took their order.  Then...they told the line cooks behind the counter to do their order first because they didn't want to wait.  When they wouldn't do that, the ladies stood there and bitched about how rude the cooks were.  Really?

Yes, really.  What the hell is going on with the world?  We have all become so completely obsessed with ourselves that we have no time or respect for anyone else.  The people who think it is perfectly acceptable to have private conversations (at the tope of their lungs!) on their cell phones as they walk about the grocery store; the people who think it is okay to yell at sales clerks because the store doesn't have exactly what they want; I just don't understand...

I realize I can be quilty of sometimes forgetting the person I am being cranky with is just the messenger.  Or I hang up on sales callers who won't let it go when I say "no thanks".  However, I try not to be too rude to them.  I know they are doing their job - as horrible as it is.

Every single person deserves respect.  We are all inhabiting the same planet and striving to survive and succeed.  I realize we can all be selfish at times, but I cannot abide the intensely superior attitude that is overtaking our society.  "I deserve..."  Right...We all deserve compassion and respect.  Just because you have some high paying job or letters after your name on your business cards does not make you better than me.

Sigh...I'm tired of being magnanimous in the face of rudeness and disrespect.  I just wish people would step back and look at their own behavior - and realize without the people they treat like crap...they would be in some serious crap of their own...

Rant over.  Thank you all for listening. 

resolutions?

Well, another year is in it's closing hours.  It is the time where people in the western world feel the need to make resolutions for the coming new year.  I tend to avoid during those because I always feel guilty within a few days when I've broken them.  And who needs more guilt in their life?

But, considering the events of 2011, I've decided there is one that I need to make.  And since I've been blogging all my major moments in the past few months, I thought I should put this here...to the world. 

I should be resolving to lose weight, exercise more, eat better.  Yeah...right.  I could resolve those things.  In fact, I have.  Hence the guilt I spoke of in the first paragraph.  However, other things need to happen first before those things can happen.  I must get my mind in shape first. 

SO...I will continue with my counseling and the work I started in 2011.  I will continue doing the hard work of looking at myself and accepting who I am and changing the things I can change...and want to change.  I resolve to not just "wish" for positive change but do the work to make it happen.

I have noticed such a change in my outlook over the past few weeks.  I've been sleeping better and feeling more centered and relaxed.  There have been a few days where things were upsetting and frustrating.  However, my "spring back" from events is quicker and easier.  It feels so good.  But I know there is still much more left to do. 

I thank each and every one of you who has read my blog.  I have gotten some wonderful messages from many people letting me know they have similar feelings in their own lives.  I also got a letter from a friend yesterday.  Yes, a letter...not an email or a text, but a bonafide letter on paper!  Her words touched me very deeply.  Since reading it, and thinking of the comments from so many others, I've been thinking of how alone I felt when I started this blog.  I now realize that I have had such tunnel vision that I couldn't see the love and friendship around me.  I know that I just need to reach out and someone would be there.  Perhaps that should be my other resolution:  don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help.  Yeah, I like that one, too.

Happy New Year, my friends.  May 2012 be a year of positive change and loving community for all of us.

Bah Humbug?

Okay, not in the way that Ebenezer Scrooge said it, but I am having a difficult time with the holidays this year.  My motivation to do...anything is in the pooper.  It even took 3 days to get the tree and inside decorations up.  It usually takes 3 or 4 hours.  There is hardly any decorating outside.  I still need to do my holiday cards.  And don't get me started on shopping for gifts.

Why??  With all the work I've done on "me", I thought it would be a good holiday season.  But, in fact, it seems have made it harder.  I am missing my parents more than I have in the past few years.  My mother was The Holiday Queen.  All the favorite things I like to do during the Christmas season are things I did with my mother.  And now, being single and no kids, I do them alone.  Not so fun.  I've been doing them anyway, but do them because I feel I should.  It has become a chore.  This year, I wanted to enjoy doing things...but as I start, I feel sad.

Add that to the frustration with all the "stuff" out there.  I am amazed at the level of rudeness and inconsiderate behavior by people.  I was shopping this weekend and was in a store looking at a display.  A young couple with a stroller came in, pushed in front of me and took up the entire area.  When I asked to move in to get the thing I was interested in, they both just glared and didn't move.  I simply left the store.  I tried walking around the mall, looking for ideas and inspiration for gifts and my mood, but all I ended up with was irritation and frustration. 

The holidays should be about friends, family, and joy.  It shouldn't be about finding the perfect present - or at least one that doesn't suck.  It should be about being with the people you love - not about how much money you spend on gifts.  I need to figure out how to embrace the holidays the way I want to.  I plan to spend tomorow evening with a friend and then meet up with friends over the weekend.  But...that doesn't address the loneliness around some of the traditions.

I so want to spend an entire day baking fun stuff.  But the idea of doing it by myself this year just makes me want to avoid it all together.  As I said..."humbug".  Anyone want to come over and play?? 

I've been thinking all this thru and still not coming to any kind of conclusion.  Yule is a week away and Christmas is a week and a half away.  I need to figure this out soon or the entire season will have passed me by.  Am I being too much like Charlie Brown?  Oh, no...I'm mixing my Christmas stories now...I'm really losing it...I don't think I need the Ghosts of Christmas.  But maybe I do need a Linus...

Happy holidays, my friends.  I wish you love and joy during this very confusing season. 

Loss

I was 27 when my father died unexpectedly.  A year before, in February of 1989, my mother died.  It was just a month after I returned home from New York and college.  While it was horrible to lose her, she had been ill for a number of years...it wasn't all together unexpected.  But two weeks short of a year later, my father had a heart attack while he was plowing snow on a Monday morning.  No warning, no preparation...he was just gone.

I had a very special relationship with my father.  I was Daddy's Little Girl.  His love for me was unconditional.  I knew, no matter what happened, he was always there for me. I knew that if I fell, he was there to pick me up.  If I was wrong, he would tell me I was wrong, but always let me know he loved me anyway.  Hugs from Daddy were unlike any other.  When he hugged me, I knew I was safe; nothing bad could happen.

I remember a conversation we had when I was in college.  It was just the two of us, driving somewhere when I was home on vacation.  He asked me what I hoped to do once I graduated.  I told him my big dreams, but also said as long as I could play, I really didn't care.  He asked what I would do if things didn't work out as I hoped.  I remember saying, "I don't know."  He very quietly said, "well, know you can always come home."  I knew I had a safety net.

Which brings me to today.  I'm stuck in a dead-end place, allowing people to push me around and walk over me.  I'm scared to "jump" because I'm worried about finances, and on a certain level, feel I don't deserve better.  Seriously???  This isn't "me".  There was a time when I would have politely told some of these people exactly what I thought of them and then walked out the door.  Why don't I just do that?  My mantra seems to have become "I'm stuck...I have no safety net." 

Yes...I lost my safety net almost 22 years ago.  For quite awhile, I tried to be true to myself and be the person my father knew I was.  But with time, and worry about debt, I settled into a "real" job.  Circumstances continued, and my underlying feeling of being less important has become more dominant.  Who am I kidding?  It's taken over.  I've allowed it to push out my self confidence, my self belief.  Everything my father saw and nurtured.

In my counceling session, she asked me "why can't you find that safety net within yourself?  It is what your father would have wanted for you."  Yes...he would have wanted that.  But without his physical presence, I've found it almost impossible.  Why??? 

I think I never really dealt with losing him.  It was such a traumatic event.  The night before, I fixed his favorite supper and we started to watch a movie.  He was falling asleep in the chair so he went to bed.  I heard him leaving in the middle of the night, to go out and plow the remnants of the snow storm.  A few hours later....he was gone.  I felt like a 5 year old that morning.  An orphan....then there was estate stuff to deal with, and all the crap that entails.  I had to be an adult and move on.  And I did that.  But...I think I left the confident little girl behind. 

How do I get her back?  How do I feel my father's belief and unconditional love within myself?  My friend, Kim said, "he's within you - he's part of you.  He helped make you."  I then got a package in the mail yesterday.  It was from a friend - someone whom I've never actually met, but we know each other through an online forum.  It is a necklace with the inscription of The Serenity Prayer.  In the card, she said she knew I was going through a rough time and wanted to send me something to let me know my friends are always with me when things get difficult and frustrating.

Wow...I have a circle of friends around me who love me; who believe in me; who see the real me.  They see the same person my father knew.  I just need to see her, too.

Stop; breath; believe.  I know that confident girl is in here.  I know that when I allow myself to open up my heart, I'll feel my father's energy again.  To do that, I need to let go of the pain of the loss.  Then...I can string my own safety net.  So, I'll begin with this:

I miss you, Daddy, more than I've allowed myself to know.

Emerging...

Since my epiphany last week, I've been very aware of "me".  I watched my reactions to things and listened to what I've been saying.  It's been quite enlightening.  I heard me putting myself down...a lot.  So, I tried to be more honest with myself.  The result - I've felt happier and more relaxed, in spite of some stressful stuff at work.  I was actually able to walk out at night and, for the most part, turn the stuff off. 

The weekend was wonderful!  I was super busy, but I performed in a friend's fundraiser concert and had a blast.  I didn't shy away from compliments and just enjoyed the time with friends.  (And some amazing popcorn from the concessions!)  Sunday was supper with my "sisters" and just being in the moment.  It was the best couple of days I've had in a few months.

Monday was okay - work was a zoo, but it was Halloween.  And it was fun!  Lots of kids, great costumes, and the house looked great.  Then Tuesday arrived...

It felt as though, at every turn, I was being accosted by "crap".  Every time I tried to stand up and be "me", I was put down.  It was quite obvious that my "me" was not what was desired.  By Wednesday afternoon, I had pretty much reverted to the suppressed me.  Last night was horrible.  I felt defeated, beaten, and depressed.  This morning picked up exactly where Wednesday left off.  And I'd had it...

When confronted with some rather unnecessary comments, I refused to back down or take responsibility for their issues.  I stood my ground and stood up for me.  That resulted in more "crap".  I had this moment of thinking "two options:  give in or fight".  I took option 2.  That is "the real me".  I stood up for myself and then simply walked away...letting the dust fall where it wished.  Funnily enough...I haven't seen a dust cloud.  At least, not yet...

I realize I'm in a spot.  How do I suppress who I really am in order to conform to what they want?  And as I typed that sentence, my brain was screaming "WHY DO YOU WANT TO?"  Wow.  There's that brick wall at the end of the one way dead end street.

Okay - I see the narrow alley...I just have to push my way down it to get out.  I know I can't stay here...it is quite honestly, suffocating me.  I feel like I can't breath with all the exhaust.  Is my car stalled or am I just not putting my foot on the gas pedal? 

Ground, center, and breath.  And put my foot on the pedal.  What do I have to lose?