I've been spending a great deal of time and energy over the past month working through the "who the hell am I anymore" question. I felt like I was going around and around in circles in my head. I realized I was getting nowhere with the question...
A couple of days ago, I decided I needed something different to listen to in my car on the way to work. I looked at my CDs (yes...I still use CDs...not an MP3 player...) and saw the Dave Matthews Band CD "Under the Table and Dreaming". I hadn't listened to that in a very long time, so I grabbed it and headed out the door. Today, as the CD was playing, the lyrics to "Dancing Nancies" hit my brain front and center. I've listened to that song for years, but never really heard it...
I look up at the sky
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn, turn we almost become dizzy
I am who I am who I am who am I
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Sing and dance I'll play for you tonight
And thrill at it all
Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out
I look back on my life and I remember how I used to be. I had a goal, a drive, a desire. Events happened and those things changed. Why? Because I let them. When I first came home from New York, I tried to be true to myself. But debt kept increasing and my fears started to take over. I remember the day I said "I need to get a real job." And for awhile, it was okay. I was lucky as I took a job where I could still be "me" and that was okay. However, as time went on, who I am started butting heads with "superiors" at work. SO...I've tried to continually mold me into what they think I should be. Somewhere in the last 15 years, I've lost me. But deep down, I'm screaming to get out. SO...
I am who I am. I am forthright, loving, supportive, and talented. I am also insecure, loud, opinionated, and bossy. I'm continually beaten up with the constant reprimand to suppress the second set of descriptors and I'm exhausted.
I need to be who I am. I can't be anyone one else; it doesn't work. I know that I need to figure out how to balance who I am with who "they" want me to be. But I cannot allow that to overpower "me". I need to get back to being myself and not allow fear of rejection or feelings of inferiority to overtake who I truly am. I am special and unique. I am as important as anyone else.
Today at noontime, as the song was playing, I was watching the sky...there were dark clouds moving, but the the sun started breaking through. And I started to cry. Thank you, Dave Matthews...I am who I am, and I WILL work it out.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
"I'll be fine..."
I started writing this a week ago. For some reason all my thoughts just wouldn't meld into a cohesive entry, so I knew I needed to step away from it for a bit. I didn't realize why until I had another session with my life coach....this is going to be difficult to write about....but, here I go...
"I'll be fine..." We all say it at some point. Others of us - like me - say it A LOT. Why the hell do we say it? Do we mean it? I thought I knew what I meant, but after really looking at it...wow....
I say it because I truly don't feel I am important enough to bother anyone with how I really feel. Or I don't want to upset them if they've done something to upset me. Because...I'm less important. I shouldn't say, "you know when you said such and such, I felt badly about it" or "I was hoping someone would call me to make plans for my birthday instead of me trying to find someone to spend time with. I felt sad about it." No...I can't say that. It is selfish. I shouldn't express my feelings that way. It will upset people.
But I'm upset. Why is THAT okay? The answer is: it isn't okay. I am as important as anyone else. I should be the most important person to me. Intellectually, I know that. But in my heart...I've always felt second best. I can go into detail as to all the little things said and done throughout my life that would explain it, but that would just be putting all my psyche on display. Just know...I feel that way. I know LOTS of people feel that way and will understand what I mean.
I find it next to impossible to accept a compliment. I'm not that talented, I'm not that great a singer/actor/director, I'm certainly not pretty. Whenever anyone says I'm good at anything, I get uncomfortable, I blush, and I stammer. For crying out loud, woman, just say "Thank you" and let it go!! But I can't. And that's not okay, either.
Why am I writing about this? This is a very painful thing for me. I am putting out to the universe (or at least anyone who chooses to read this) that I believe I belong in second place to everyone and everything else. That is a pretty sucky place to be. As I said, in my head I know this isn't the way it should be. But at the bottom of my heart...I feel that. Which brings me to the point of the first post in my blog: I'm stuck at the end of a one way dead end street and I can't get out...because I can't inconvenience people by saying "get the hell out of my way so I can back up and get out of here."
Now what? I'm 49 years old. I can stay where I am and be miserable. Or...dare I say it? Finally look in my heart and acknowledge that, while I've been hurt, I'm not unimportant. I deserve to be happy. I deserve more than I am allowing myself to have.
Okay....this will take some work. But I've written it. On a blog. To post on the internet. All I have to do is click the "publish post" button. But before I do, I need to say - I am not writing this to have people feel sorry for me or to tell me "you're wonderful" (although, that's nice...but that's a compliment...okay...my head hurts now). I am writing because it helps me to focus all the ideas in my head (and my heart) so that they finally make sense outside my head, in the light of day. I am writing this because this is my journey on the highway of life. I can see an alley that might get me the hell out of this stupid dead end street. If I don't take it...the hurt wins. Right?
Hitting the "publish" button now....hang on, woman, it might be bumpy...
"I'll be fine..." We all say it at some point. Others of us - like me - say it A LOT. Why the hell do we say it? Do we mean it? I thought I knew what I meant, but after really looking at it...wow....
I say it because I truly don't feel I am important enough to bother anyone with how I really feel. Or I don't want to upset them if they've done something to upset me. Because...I'm less important. I shouldn't say, "you know when you said such and such, I felt badly about it" or "I was hoping someone would call me to make plans for my birthday instead of me trying to find someone to spend time with. I felt sad about it." No...I can't say that. It is selfish. I shouldn't express my feelings that way. It will upset people.
But I'm upset. Why is THAT okay? The answer is: it isn't okay. I am as important as anyone else. I should be the most important person to me. Intellectually, I know that. But in my heart...I've always felt second best. I can go into detail as to all the little things said and done throughout my life that would explain it, but that would just be putting all my psyche on display. Just know...I feel that way. I know LOTS of people feel that way and will understand what I mean.
I find it next to impossible to accept a compliment. I'm not that talented, I'm not that great a singer/actor/director, I'm certainly not pretty. Whenever anyone says I'm good at anything, I get uncomfortable, I blush, and I stammer. For crying out loud, woman, just say "Thank you" and let it go!! But I can't. And that's not okay, either.
Why am I writing about this? This is a very painful thing for me. I am putting out to the universe (or at least anyone who chooses to read this) that I believe I belong in second place to everyone and everything else. That is a pretty sucky place to be. As I said, in my head I know this isn't the way it should be. But at the bottom of my heart...I feel that. Which brings me to the point of the first post in my blog: I'm stuck at the end of a one way dead end street and I can't get out...because I can't inconvenience people by saying "get the hell out of my way so I can back up and get out of here."
Now what? I'm 49 years old. I can stay where I am and be miserable. Or...dare I say it? Finally look in my heart and acknowledge that, while I've been hurt, I'm not unimportant. I deserve to be happy. I deserve more than I am allowing myself to have.
Okay....this will take some work. But I've written it. On a blog. To post on the internet. All I have to do is click the "publish post" button. But before I do, I need to say - I am not writing this to have people feel sorry for me or to tell me "you're wonderful" (although, that's nice...but that's a compliment...okay...my head hurts now). I am writing because it helps me to focus all the ideas in my head (and my heart) so that they finally make sense outside my head, in the light of day. I am writing this because this is my journey on the highway of life. I can see an alley that might get me the hell out of this stupid dead end street. If I don't take it...the hurt wins. Right?
Hitting the "publish" button now....hang on, woman, it might be bumpy...
Monday, October 3, 2011
Intimidation
I heard it again today...imtimidating. It was used as an adjective to describe me.
I am used to a variety of descriptors used in my direction - loud, verbose, sarcastic, smart, fat. Those I get; those I can understand. I don't understand "intimidating". I've asked some of the people who have used that term to explain why. They hem and haw, and give me some vague reasons - "it's hard to explain...you just are". Really? That helps me understand.
I know I want honesty from everyone, and I try to be that honest myself. I don't like to let things stew - I prefer to deal with them sooner rather than later. I work hard to be good at what I do, be it work or in my art. I don't think I expect more from people than I expect from myself. Does that make me intimidating?
The definition of intimidate is:
1. to make timid; fill with fear.
I am used to a variety of descriptors used in my direction - loud, verbose, sarcastic, smart, fat. Those I get; those I can understand. I don't understand "intimidating". I've asked some of the people who have used that term to explain why. They hem and haw, and give me some vague reasons - "it's hard to explain...you just are". Really? That helps me understand.
I know I want honesty from everyone, and I try to be that honest myself. I don't like to let things stew - I prefer to deal with them sooner rather than later. I work hard to be good at what I do, be it work or in my art. I don't think I expect more from people than I expect from myself. Does that make me intimidating?
The definition of intimidate is:
1. to make timid; fill with fear.
2. to overawe or cow, as through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent, etc.
3. to force into or deter from some action by inducing fear.
Okay...that makes it worse. I'm scary?
I am working to figure out who I am and where I'm going. This label of "intimidating" is troubling. I don't like thinking that people are scared of me. I need to sort through why I am perceived this way. Is there something I need to change? Is it me? Or is it that many people find forthright, gregarious, smart woman intimidating?
So many questions...
Saturday, October 1, 2011
New Inbetweeners?
Today I went clothes shopping with my friends, Kim & Terri. I was confronted with the horrible problem facing women my age: suitability.
Clothing for women basically comes in a two "styles": suitable for 20-somethings or suitable for grandmothers. As we strolled through the store, I kept seeing things and thinking "ooh, I like that! Oh, wait...it's too young for me" and "yeesh...that's matronly". I ended up finding some generic black pants and a generic green sweater. Sort of sporty, but plain.
I know I'm 49, but in my head I usually think of my self around 35. I don't feel "old" (okay, some days I do), and most people say I don't look my age. But...if I would to try to wear those young-looking fashions I would look ridiculous. And if I went with the matronly fashions I would feel lousy. Why isn't there a middle ground for us?? I mean...have you tried to buy a pair of jeans lately? They are "distressed" with all kinds of sequins and stuff on them; funky dye patterns with highly embroidered pockets; or totally plain with tapered legs that NO woman should EVER wear. *sigh*
In the Old Ways, there is The Triple Goddess: celebrating the three phases of feminine existence - maiden, mother, and crone. The problem is the world has changed and we live much longer than before. We are stuck into the crone phase for a very long time now. Can't we find a 4th level - something to go between mother and crone?
We are Inbetweeners. Too old for motherhood, but not the wise women crones are expected to be. We aren't trying to hide from our age, but not be pushed into a catagory we aren't quite ready for yet. And I would like to be able to wear clothes that don't make me look ridiculous.
Clothing for women basically comes in a two "styles": suitable for 20-somethings or suitable for grandmothers. As we strolled through the store, I kept seeing things and thinking "ooh, I like that! Oh, wait...it's too young for me" and "yeesh...that's matronly". I ended up finding some generic black pants and a generic green sweater. Sort of sporty, but plain.
I know I'm 49, but in my head I usually think of my self around 35. I don't feel "old" (okay, some days I do), and most people say I don't look my age. But...if I would to try to wear those young-looking fashions I would look ridiculous. And if I went with the matronly fashions I would feel lousy. Why isn't there a middle ground for us?? I mean...have you tried to buy a pair of jeans lately? They are "distressed" with all kinds of sequins and stuff on them; funky dye patterns with highly embroidered pockets; or totally plain with tapered legs that NO woman should EVER wear. *sigh*
In the Old Ways, there is The Triple Goddess: celebrating the three phases of feminine existence - maiden, mother, and crone. The problem is the world has changed and we live much longer than before. We are stuck into the crone phase for a very long time now. Can't we find a 4th level - something to go between mother and crone?
We are Inbetweeners. Too old for motherhood, but not the wise women crones are expected to be. We aren't trying to hide from our age, but not be pushed into a catagory we aren't quite ready for yet. And I would like to be able to wear clothes that don't make me look ridiculous.
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