I'm back!

I can't believe it's been since last July since I posted.  Where the hell have I been???

Oh wait...I lost my job and did an intensive new job search.  Thankfully, I was only out of work for 3 months and started a great new job in December.  I am working for a law firm and am an assistant to one of the partners.  It's been a HUGE challenge, but an amazing journey.  I feel that I am helping people in ways that significantly affect their lives. 

I've also been continuing my journey of self awareness and finding my way in the world.  I turned 50 in September.  SO...I am truly Middle Aged. 

Now that life has settled down a bit, I have the desire to write again.  SO....I'm back!!  Hopefully, I'll write again before 8 months pass....

Stop the Shame

I have a confession to make:  I’m fat.  I know….it’s a horrible sin.  We’re lazy, dirty, selfish, and ignorant.  At least that is the general public opinion. 

The funny thing is…I’m not lazy, dirty, selfish, or ignorant.  Well, okay….I can be a couch potato, I’m a lousy housekeeper, I can have selfish moments, and there are things I don’t know much about…like country music.  However, in general, I am a hard worker, I shower daily, I strive to be helpful to others, and I am highly educated and try to learn something new every day.  But…I’m still fat.

 
I’ve been working on lots of “stuff” over the past year or so:  emotional issues and personal demons.  I’ve come to terms with many things.  It’s been hard work and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done, and the direction I’ve moved my life in lately.  The big thing that I am now facing is my weight.

As I’ve started on this particular journey, I’ve been trying to sort out how and why I’ve gotten to the weight I’m at now.  There are so many reasons – not the least of which is my feelings of unimportance; of not feeling good enough.  These feelings are in direct conflict with my sense of self and my knowledge of my level of ability.  I’ve struggled with these things my entire life.  Right now, I am trying to clear these “beliefs” that I have created for myself that are “untruths”.  And that brings me back to my weight.

 I know that I need to lose weight.  I know all the reasons.  But I can’t seem to make myself to it.  Why not?  One of the things is, I know that with my bone structure and my age, I will never be what society sees as thin.  Back in college, I had lost 80 pounds and was just short of my goal weight of 150.  I had accomplished this by exercising like a crazy person and only eating 800 calories per day.  In spite of all this, I had people sneer at me in the street, made fun of by other students, and had a teacher tell me I needed to lose more weight if I wanted to be accepted as a musician.  “It makes audiences uncomfortable to see overweight musicians.”  Yes…seriously.  I was starving myself and it wasn’t good enough.  I wasn’t good enough….

 And now, we are at today. In trying to figure out how to start on this journey, I’ve become increasingly aware of the stigma and the portrayal of the overweight in our society.  Just look at the flurry of photos of pregnant celebrities; hoping to show them looking fat.  I applaud Michelle Obama’s desire to deal with childhood obesity, but does it have to be called “a war”?  Airlines charge overweight people for two seats…but only after they get on the plane.  They are informed, in front of all the other passengers, they must purchase another seat or they will be removed from the plane.

Facebook is now making suggestions for pages they think we should “like”.  In fact, they are getting paid to put those links on our home feeds.  I keep getting these horrible Dr. Oz weight loss pages…always accompanied with a photo of an extremely large woman.  I usually click the little box on the upper right and report them as spam.  One time, I made the mistake of missing the box and opening the photo and seeing the comments that people made about the woman in the photo.  I should have just closed it, but like watching a train wreck, I couldn’t look away.  There were the usual nasty comments, but one shocked and angered me.  One woman said “how could she allow this to happen to herself?  And how dare she be smiling?  Fat people have no right to smile.” 

 But the final thing for me was a blog of a young woman who has lost about 160 pounds.  And she is miserable.  She was 300 pounds and her doctor told her she needed to lose weight and wanted her to have either gastric bypass or the lap band – I forget which she had.  In her evaluation to make sure she was a good “candidate”, the surgeon said to her “won’t it be wonderful to walk down the aisle of an airplane and not see people looking at you in horror and then hear the sigh of relief when you walk past, knowing you won’t be sitting next to them?”  In her shame, she agreed to the surgery and lost all the weight.  Now….she doesn’t recognize herself anymore, in spite of everyone telling her how wonderful she looks.  All her issues of why she gained the weight still exist and she is no happier now than before. 

When I read that blog, I sobbed.  Why am I feeling I “have to lose this weight”?  Is it because I want to, or because I’m feeling ashamed and shamed into it?  Am I such a horrible person because I’m overweight? 

 On a certain level I want to lose the weight.  My knees hurt, and I want to walk along the cliffs in Devon, England with my friend.  But I know that my weight loss will not hold if I feel ashamed.  Having a doctor yell at me is not the motivation I need.  I do not understand the draw of the reality shows about weight loss.  To have drill instructors yelling and screaming at people, embarrassing them on national television, does not seem to be any way to motivate anyone to lose weight, and KEEP it off.  At the point I’m at in my life, I might just tell that person, as politely as possible, to F-off and then I’d walk out. 

 I know now that I must accept who I am now, regardless of what my weight is.  I must be able to look at myself in the mirror and say HONESTLY that I am a good person, I am worthy, and I am important.  I can say those things, but the insecure person inside isn’t quite ready to listen.  But with some more work, I will get her to hear it.  Then, I will truly work on getting to a weight that I feel healthy and comfortable, without starving myself.  In the meantime, I will continue to do my best to be the best person I can be.  I will also be aware of what I eat, my level of activity, and see about how to help my knees….so I can take that walk with Tracy soon. 

But….society needs to stop shaming people who are overweight.  We are this way for a variety of reasons.  Yelling at us, mocking us, and making fun of us in public is not acceptable.  We are human beings doing the best we can with the issues life have handed us. 

 

 

The Dark Knight is crying...

Yesterday when I left work, I headed to Essex Cinemas for the Dark Knight Marathon, starting at 6:30, ending with the 12:05 am premier of The Dark Knight Rises.  I met friends and had a fantastic fun time.  I got home sometime after 3:30 am and went straight to bed.  When I got up this morning, I discovered the news of the shooting in Colorado at their 12:05 am viewing of the same film.

To say that I was stunned, shocked, and saddened is an understatement.  As I was watching the news on the Denver television station, the reality of what happened began to sink in to me.  It was all too close for comfort.

We watched the entire trilogy yesterday and the arc of the story really hit me to my core.  The character of Bruce Wayne was stripped down to his base, flawed, humanity - and was in such a place of darkness.  As the movies unfold, he confronts his fears and his flaws and moves forward with his life.  He goes from darkness into light.  It hit me how similar that followed my own progression over the past year.  Not unlike the character, I was lost and needed help to find my way out of the darkness that I had allowed myself to fall into.  With the help of my wonderful counselor, I am emerging into the light and feeling connected to myself for the first time in years.  I have a clearer vision of who I am and what I want from life.  Watching the end of the final film, I was in tears, feeling the connection to my own journey. 

Then, watching the reports from Aurora this morning, I was just shaken to my foundation.  I kept going back in my mind to being in the theatre. surrounded by 450 people all excited about the film, cheering each and every thing as the movie unfolded.  The idea of a crazy person walking in and opening fire on all of us, is something that is so surreal, yet I know it could happen.  Because it did happen.

I've been reading posts on the internet and hearing reporters talking about the film and how it may have contributed to this event happening.  And apparently the man who did this claimed that he was being The Joker. 

It breaks my heart that so many people are deflecting the issue onto the film.  Society needs to look at itself and how this young man could get to the point of doing such a horrendous thing.  And how was he able to get all the stuff he had to do this?  He was wearing fully body armour; he had high power automatic weapons; he had chemical cannisters - tear gas or something.  How the hell was he able to accumulate all that?  How did he get to the point in his mind where he would actually perform this horrendous act? 

It saddens me so much to think this young man only saw the violence in the Batman movies and wanted to emulate that. Why couldn't he see the message of the films - vigilante justice doesn't work. Even Batman realized he was only creating more of what he was trying to stop. But working with people, facing your fears, and seeing the light, you can accomplish anything.

Over the past few years, we've had the Columbine shootings, the Virginia Tech shootings, the shootings at the Jewish children's school in Toulouse France, the shootings in Norway, and the shootings at the primary school in Dunblane, Scotland.  That doesn't include the myriad of "smaller" events that happen all over the place.  What is happening to our society?

I've been crying off and on all day, thinking of the terror those people felt on a night that was supposed to be such fun for everyone.  Crying, thinking of the families of those people and unable to imagine their sense of loss. 

Somehow, I also think The Dark Knight would be crying too....

23 years....

23 years ago, also a Saturday, just before 6 a.m. I was aware that I heard the phone ring.  A few minutes later, my father was standing in the room with the news.  My mother had died. 

I was 26 years old.  Exactly one month prior, I walked out of the stage door of Whitman Hall at Brooklyn College having performed my recital for my degree.  I made the choice to return to Vermont as my mother’s long illness had progressed very quickly over the previous few months.  10 days after returning home, she entered the hospital and died 20 days later.

I’ve been thinking a great deal about how I still feel her loss so keenly.  We had just begun to reach that point in a mother/daughter relationship where it moves into a deep friendship.  I lost that as well as my mother.  I had also arrived at the moment of my life where I was finally coming into my own.  But with her death, I felt….stopped. 

And that is how I still feel today.  I have tried to write this blog for hours.  I keep writing about choices, emotions, hopes, etc…and it all sounds forced and self serving.

SO…Mother, I miss you terribly.  I know I’ve made choices in my life that took me on a different road than I was planning.  Some of that came about with losing you; losing your advice, support, and opinion. 

I am working hard to examine my choices and continue to move forward.  How I wish you were here to talk to…to give me advice.  I try to think what you would think or say, but I’ve lived almost as long without you as I did with you.  It’s hard to know what you would think anymore. 

I think I am making progress on my journey forward.  I think you would approve of some of my recent choices.  I feel more and more I am finally coming into “me”.  I hope you would like who I have become.

I love you, Mother. 

Respect

This rant has been a long time in coming...but after some things that happened today, it has finally become time to say it...

What is this overwhelming "me me me me me" thing?  It's everywhere and includes people of all ages.  I drive about 55 miles a day commuting to and from work.  I spend a great deal of that time being concerned about the crazy drivers who will do anything possible to gain a single car length because they are so much more important than anyone else on the road. 

I was in a store last week and witnessed a twenty-something guy yelling at the cashier because the register glitched.  He had to reswipe his credit card.  Oh, the horror...

A new "Five Guys" restaurant opened in our area a couple of weeks ago.  The line was out the door to place your order and then equally as long as we all waited for our food.  I watched 2 older ladies - probably in their 70's - jump the line.  No explanation, but walked in and shoved into the line to place their order.  The cashier didn't know what to do, but went ahead and took their order.  Then...they told the line cooks behind the counter to do their order first because they didn't want to wait.  When they wouldn't do that, the ladies stood there and bitched about how rude the cooks were.  Really?

Yes, really.  What the hell is going on with the world?  We have all become so completely obsessed with ourselves that we have no time or respect for anyone else.  The people who think it is perfectly acceptable to have private conversations (at the tope of their lungs!) on their cell phones as they walk about the grocery store; the people who think it is okay to yell at sales clerks because the store doesn't have exactly what they want; I just don't understand...

I realize I can be quilty of sometimes forgetting the person I am being cranky with is just the messenger.  Or I hang up on sales callers who won't let it go when I say "no thanks".  However, I try not to be too rude to them.  I know they are doing their job - as horrible as it is.

Every single person deserves respect.  We are all inhabiting the same planet and striving to survive and succeed.  I realize we can all be selfish at times, but I cannot abide the intensely superior attitude that is overtaking our society.  "I deserve..."  Right...We all deserve compassion and respect.  Just because you have some high paying job or letters after your name on your business cards does not make you better than me.

Sigh...I'm tired of being magnanimous in the face of rudeness and disrespect.  I just wish people would step back and look at their own behavior - and realize without the people they treat like crap...they would be in some serious crap of their own...

Rant over.  Thank you all for listening. 

resolutions?

Well, another year is in it's closing hours.  It is the time where people in the western world feel the need to make resolutions for the coming new year.  I tend to avoid during those because I always feel guilty within a few days when I've broken them.  And who needs more guilt in their life?

But, considering the events of 2011, I've decided there is one that I need to make.  And since I've been blogging all my major moments in the past few months, I thought I should put this here...to the world. 

I should be resolving to lose weight, exercise more, eat better.  Yeah...right.  I could resolve those things.  In fact, I have.  Hence the guilt I spoke of in the first paragraph.  However, other things need to happen first before those things can happen.  I must get my mind in shape first. 

SO...I will continue with my counseling and the work I started in 2011.  I will continue doing the hard work of looking at myself and accepting who I am and changing the things I can change...and want to change.  I resolve to not just "wish" for positive change but do the work to make it happen.

I have noticed such a change in my outlook over the past few weeks.  I've been sleeping better and feeling more centered and relaxed.  There have been a few days where things were upsetting and frustrating.  However, my "spring back" from events is quicker and easier.  It feels so good.  But I know there is still much more left to do. 

I thank each and every one of you who has read my blog.  I have gotten some wonderful messages from many people letting me know they have similar feelings in their own lives.  I also got a letter from a friend yesterday.  Yes, a letter...not an email or a text, but a bonafide letter on paper!  Her words touched me very deeply.  Since reading it, and thinking of the comments from so many others, I've been thinking of how alone I felt when I started this blog.  I now realize that I have had such tunnel vision that I couldn't see the love and friendship around me.  I know that I just need to reach out and someone would be there.  Perhaps that should be my other resolution:  don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help.  Yeah, I like that one, too.

Happy New Year, my friends.  May 2012 be a year of positive change and loving community for all of us.

Bah Humbug?

Okay, not in the way that Ebenezer Scrooge said it, but I am having a difficult time with the holidays this year.  My motivation to do...anything is in the pooper.  It even took 3 days to get the tree and inside decorations up.  It usually takes 3 or 4 hours.  There is hardly any decorating outside.  I still need to do my holiday cards.  And don't get me started on shopping for gifts.

Why??  With all the work I've done on "me", I thought it would be a good holiday season.  But, in fact, it seems have made it harder.  I am missing my parents more than I have in the past few years.  My mother was The Holiday Queen.  All the favorite things I like to do during the Christmas season are things I did with my mother.  And now, being single and no kids, I do them alone.  Not so fun.  I've been doing them anyway, but do them because I feel I should.  It has become a chore.  This year, I wanted to enjoy doing things...but as I start, I feel sad.

Add that to the frustration with all the "stuff" out there.  I am amazed at the level of rudeness and inconsiderate behavior by people.  I was shopping this weekend and was in a store looking at a display.  A young couple with a stroller came in, pushed in front of me and took up the entire area.  When I asked to move in to get the thing I was interested in, they both just glared and didn't move.  I simply left the store.  I tried walking around the mall, looking for ideas and inspiration for gifts and my mood, but all I ended up with was irritation and frustration. 

The holidays should be about friends, family, and joy.  It shouldn't be about finding the perfect present - or at least one that doesn't suck.  It should be about being with the people you love - not about how much money you spend on gifts.  I need to figure out how to embrace the holidays the way I want to.  I plan to spend tomorow evening with a friend and then meet up with friends over the weekend.  But...that doesn't address the loneliness around some of the traditions.

I so want to spend an entire day baking fun stuff.  But the idea of doing it by myself this year just makes me want to avoid it all together.  As I said..."humbug".  Anyone want to come over and play?? 

I've been thinking all this thru and still not coming to any kind of conclusion.  Yule is a week away and Christmas is a week and a half away.  I need to figure this out soon or the entire season will have passed me by.  Am I being too much like Charlie Brown?  Oh, no...I'm mixing my Christmas stories now...I'm really losing it...I don't think I need the Ghosts of Christmas.  But maybe I do need a Linus...

Happy holidays, my friends.  I wish you love and joy during this very confusing season.