I'm back!

I can't believe it's been since last July since I posted.  Where the hell have I been???

Oh wait...I lost my job and did an intensive new job search.  Thankfully, I was only out of work for 3 months and started a great new job in December.  I am working for a law firm and am an assistant to one of the partners.  It's been a HUGE challenge, but an amazing journey.  I feel that I am helping people in ways that significantly affect their lives. 

I've also been continuing my journey of self awareness and finding my way in the world.  I turned 50 in September.  SO...I am truly Middle Aged. 

Now that life has settled down a bit, I have the desire to write again.  SO....I'm back!!  Hopefully, I'll write again before 8 months pass....

Stop the Shame

I have a confession to make:  I’m fat.  I know….it’s a horrible sin.  We’re lazy, dirty, selfish, and ignorant.  At least that is the general public opinion. 

The funny thing is…I’m not lazy, dirty, selfish, or ignorant.  Well, okay….I can be a couch potato, I’m a lousy housekeeper, I can have selfish moments, and there are things I don’t know much about…like country music.  However, in general, I am a hard worker, I shower daily, I strive to be helpful to others, and I am highly educated and try to learn something new every day.  But…I’m still fat.

 
I’ve been working on lots of “stuff” over the past year or so:  emotional issues and personal demons.  I’ve come to terms with many things.  It’s been hard work and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done, and the direction I’ve moved my life in lately.  The big thing that I am now facing is my weight.

As I’ve started on this particular journey, I’ve been trying to sort out how and why I’ve gotten to the weight I’m at now.  There are so many reasons – not the least of which is my feelings of unimportance; of not feeling good enough.  These feelings are in direct conflict with my sense of self and my knowledge of my level of ability.  I’ve struggled with these things my entire life.  Right now, I am trying to clear these “beliefs” that I have created for myself that are “untruths”.  And that brings me back to my weight.

 I know that I need to lose weight.  I know all the reasons.  But I can’t seem to make myself to it.  Why not?  One of the things is, I know that with my bone structure and my age, I will never be what society sees as thin.  Back in college, I had lost 80 pounds and was just short of my goal weight of 150.  I had accomplished this by exercising like a crazy person and only eating 800 calories per day.  In spite of all this, I had people sneer at me in the street, made fun of by other students, and had a teacher tell me I needed to lose more weight if I wanted to be accepted as a musician.  “It makes audiences uncomfortable to see overweight musicians.”  Yes…seriously.  I was starving myself and it wasn’t good enough.  I wasn’t good enough….

 And now, we are at today. In trying to figure out how to start on this journey, I’ve become increasingly aware of the stigma and the portrayal of the overweight in our society.  Just look at the flurry of photos of pregnant celebrities; hoping to show them looking fat.  I applaud Michelle Obama’s desire to deal with childhood obesity, but does it have to be called “a war”?  Airlines charge overweight people for two seats…but only after they get on the plane.  They are informed, in front of all the other passengers, they must purchase another seat or they will be removed from the plane.

Facebook is now making suggestions for pages they think we should “like”.  In fact, they are getting paid to put those links on our home feeds.  I keep getting these horrible Dr. Oz weight loss pages…always accompanied with a photo of an extremely large woman.  I usually click the little box on the upper right and report them as spam.  One time, I made the mistake of missing the box and opening the photo and seeing the comments that people made about the woman in the photo.  I should have just closed it, but like watching a train wreck, I couldn’t look away.  There were the usual nasty comments, but one shocked and angered me.  One woman said “how could she allow this to happen to herself?  And how dare she be smiling?  Fat people have no right to smile.” 

 But the final thing for me was a blog of a young woman who has lost about 160 pounds.  And she is miserable.  She was 300 pounds and her doctor told her she needed to lose weight and wanted her to have either gastric bypass or the lap band – I forget which she had.  In her evaluation to make sure she was a good “candidate”, the surgeon said to her “won’t it be wonderful to walk down the aisle of an airplane and not see people looking at you in horror and then hear the sigh of relief when you walk past, knowing you won’t be sitting next to them?”  In her shame, she agreed to the surgery and lost all the weight.  Now….she doesn’t recognize herself anymore, in spite of everyone telling her how wonderful she looks.  All her issues of why she gained the weight still exist and she is no happier now than before. 

When I read that blog, I sobbed.  Why am I feeling I “have to lose this weight”?  Is it because I want to, or because I’m feeling ashamed and shamed into it?  Am I such a horrible person because I’m overweight? 

 On a certain level I want to lose the weight.  My knees hurt, and I want to walk along the cliffs in Devon, England with my friend.  But I know that my weight loss will not hold if I feel ashamed.  Having a doctor yell at me is not the motivation I need.  I do not understand the draw of the reality shows about weight loss.  To have drill instructors yelling and screaming at people, embarrassing them on national television, does not seem to be any way to motivate anyone to lose weight, and KEEP it off.  At the point I’m at in my life, I might just tell that person, as politely as possible, to F-off and then I’d walk out. 

 I know now that I must accept who I am now, regardless of what my weight is.  I must be able to look at myself in the mirror and say HONESTLY that I am a good person, I am worthy, and I am important.  I can say those things, but the insecure person inside isn’t quite ready to listen.  But with some more work, I will get her to hear it.  Then, I will truly work on getting to a weight that I feel healthy and comfortable, without starving myself.  In the meantime, I will continue to do my best to be the best person I can be.  I will also be aware of what I eat, my level of activity, and see about how to help my knees….so I can take that walk with Tracy soon. 

But….society needs to stop shaming people who are overweight.  We are this way for a variety of reasons.  Yelling at us, mocking us, and making fun of us in public is not acceptable.  We are human beings doing the best we can with the issues life have handed us.