Loss

I was 27 when my father died unexpectedly.  A year before, in February of 1989, my mother died.  It was just a month after I returned home from New York and college.  While it was horrible to lose her, she had been ill for a number of years...it wasn't all together unexpected.  But two weeks short of a year later, my father had a heart attack while he was plowing snow on a Monday morning.  No warning, no preparation...he was just gone.

I had a very special relationship with my father.  I was Daddy's Little Girl.  His love for me was unconditional.  I knew, no matter what happened, he was always there for me. I knew that if I fell, he was there to pick me up.  If I was wrong, he would tell me I was wrong, but always let me know he loved me anyway.  Hugs from Daddy were unlike any other.  When he hugged me, I knew I was safe; nothing bad could happen.

I remember a conversation we had when I was in college.  It was just the two of us, driving somewhere when I was home on vacation.  He asked me what I hoped to do once I graduated.  I told him my big dreams, but also said as long as I could play, I really didn't care.  He asked what I would do if things didn't work out as I hoped.  I remember saying, "I don't know."  He very quietly said, "well, know you can always come home."  I knew I had a safety net.

Which brings me to today.  I'm stuck in a dead-end place, allowing people to push me around and walk over me.  I'm scared to "jump" because I'm worried about finances, and on a certain level, feel I don't deserve better.  Seriously???  This isn't "me".  There was a time when I would have politely told some of these people exactly what I thought of them and then walked out the door.  Why don't I just do that?  My mantra seems to have become "I'm stuck...I have no safety net." 

Yes...I lost my safety net almost 22 years ago.  For quite awhile, I tried to be true to myself and be the person my father knew I was.  But with time, and worry about debt, I settled into a "real" job.  Circumstances continued, and my underlying feeling of being less important has become more dominant.  Who am I kidding?  It's taken over.  I've allowed it to push out my self confidence, my self belief.  Everything my father saw and nurtured.

In my counceling session, she asked me "why can't you find that safety net within yourself?  It is what your father would have wanted for you."  Yes...he would have wanted that.  But without his physical presence, I've found it almost impossible.  Why??? 

I think I never really dealt with losing him.  It was such a traumatic event.  The night before, I fixed his favorite supper and we started to watch a movie.  He was falling asleep in the chair so he went to bed.  I heard him leaving in the middle of the night, to go out and plow the remnants of the snow storm.  A few hours later....he was gone.  I felt like a 5 year old that morning.  An orphan....then there was estate stuff to deal with, and all the crap that entails.  I had to be an adult and move on.  And I did that.  But...I think I left the confident little girl behind. 

How do I get her back?  How do I feel my father's belief and unconditional love within myself?  My friend, Kim said, "he's within you - he's part of you.  He helped make you."  I then got a package in the mail yesterday.  It was from a friend - someone whom I've never actually met, but we know each other through an online forum.  It is a necklace with the inscription of The Serenity Prayer.  In the card, she said she knew I was going through a rough time and wanted to send me something to let me know my friends are always with me when things get difficult and frustrating.

Wow...I have a circle of friends around me who love me; who believe in me; who see the real me.  They see the same person my father knew.  I just need to see her, too.

Stop; breath; believe.  I know that confident girl is in here.  I know that when I allow myself to open up my heart, I'll feel my father's energy again.  To do that, I need to let go of the pain of the loss.  Then...I can string my own safety net.  So, I'll begin with this:

I miss you, Daddy, more than I've allowed myself to know.

Emerging...

Since my epiphany last week, I've been very aware of "me".  I watched my reactions to things and listened to what I've been saying.  It's been quite enlightening.  I heard me putting myself down...a lot.  So, I tried to be more honest with myself.  The result - I've felt happier and more relaxed, in spite of some stressful stuff at work.  I was actually able to walk out at night and, for the most part, turn the stuff off. 

The weekend was wonderful!  I was super busy, but I performed in a friend's fundraiser concert and had a blast.  I didn't shy away from compliments and just enjoyed the time with friends.  (And some amazing popcorn from the concessions!)  Sunday was supper with my "sisters" and just being in the moment.  It was the best couple of days I've had in a few months.

Monday was okay - work was a zoo, but it was Halloween.  And it was fun!  Lots of kids, great costumes, and the house looked great.  Then Tuesday arrived...

It felt as though, at every turn, I was being accosted by "crap".  Every time I tried to stand up and be "me", I was put down.  It was quite obvious that my "me" was not what was desired.  By Wednesday afternoon, I had pretty much reverted to the suppressed me.  Last night was horrible.  I felt defeated, beaten, and depressed.  This morning picked up exactly where Wednesday left off.  And I'd had it...

When confronted with some rather unnecessary comments, I refused to back down or take responsibility for their issues.  I stood my ground and stood up for me.  That resulted in more "crap".  I had this moment of thinking "two options:  give in or fight".  I took option 2.  That is "the real me".  I stood up for myself and then simply walked away...letting the dust fall where it wished.  Funnily enough...I haven't seen a dust cloud.  At least, not yet...

I realize I'm in a spot.  How do I suppress who I really am in order to conform to what they want?  And as I typed that sentence, my brain was screaming "WHY DO YOU WANT TO?"  Wow.  There's that brick wall at the end of the one way dead end street.

Okay - I see the narrow alley...I just have to push my way down it to get out.  I know I can't stay here...it is quite honestly, suffocating me.  I feel like I can't breath with all the exhaust.  Is my car stalled or am I just not putting my foot on the gas pedal? 

Ground, center, and breath.  And put my foot on the pedal.  What do I have to lose?