resolutions?

Well, another year is in it's closing hours.  It is the time where people in the western world feel the need to make resolutions for the coming new year.  I tend to avoid during those because I always feel guilty within a few days when I've broken them.  And who needs more guilt in their life?

But, considering the events of 2011, I've decided there is one that I need to make.  And since I've been blogging all my major moments in the past few months, I thought I should put this here...to the world. 

I should be resolving to lose weight, exercise more, eat better.  Yeah...right.  I could resolve those things.  In fact, I have.  Hence the guilt I spoke of in the first paragraph.  However, other things need to happen first before those things can happen.  I must get my mind in shape first. 

SO...I will continue with my counseling and the work I started in 2011.  I will continue doing the hard work of looking at myself and accepting who I am and changing the things I can change...and want to change.  I resolve to not just "wish" for positive change but do the work to make it happen.

I have noticed such a change in my outlook over the past few weeks.  I've been sleeping better and feeling more centered and relaxed.  There have been a few days where things were upsetting and frustrating.  However, my "spring back" from events is quicker and easier.  It feels so good.  But I know there is still much more left to do. 

I thank each and every one of you who has read my blog.  I have gotten some wonderful messages from many people letting me know they have similar feelings in their own lives.  I also got a letter from a friend yesterday.  Yes, a letter...not an email or a text, but a bonafide letter on paper!  Her words touched me very deeply.  Since reading it, and thinking of the comments from so many others, I've been thinking of how alone I felt when I started this blog.  I now realize that I have had such tunnel vision that I couldn't see the love and friendship around me.  I know that I just need to reach out and someone would be there.  Perhaps that should be my other resolution:  don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help.  Yeah, I like that one, too.

Happy New Year, my friends.  May 2012 be a year of positive change and loving community for all of us.

Bah Humbug?

Okay, not in the way that Ebenezer Scrooge said it, but I am having a difficult time with the holidays this year.  My motivation to do...anything is in the pooper.  It even took 3 days to get the tree and inside decorations up.  It usually takes 3 or 4 hours.  There is hardly any decorating outside.  I still need to do my holiday cards.  And don't get me started on shopping for gifts.

Why??  With all the work I've done on "me", I thought it would be a good holiday season.  But, in fact, it seems have made it harder.  I am missing my parents more than I have in the past few years.  My mother was The Holiday Queen.  All the favorite things I like to do during the Christmas season are things I did with my mother.  And now, being single and no kids, I do them alone.  Not so fun.  I've been doing them anyway, but do them because I feel I should.  It has become a chore.  This year, I wanted to enjoy doing things...but as I start, I feel sad.

Add that to the frustration with all the "stuff" out there.  I am amazed at the level of rudeness and inconsiderate behavior by people.  I was shopping this weekend and was in a store looking at a display.  A young couple with a stroller came in, pushed in front of me and took up the entire area.  When I asked to move in to get the thing I was interested in, they both just glared and didn't move.  I simply left the store.  I tried walking around the mall, looking for ideas and inspiration for gifts and my mood, but all I ended up with was irritation and frustration. 

The holidays should be about friends, family, and joy.  It shouldn't be about finding the perfect present - or at least one that doesn't suck.  It should be about being with the people you love - not about how much money you spend on gifts.  I need to figure out how to embrace the holidays the way I want to.  I plan to spend tomorow evening with a friend and then meet up with friends over the weekend.  But...that doesn't address the loneliness around some of the traditions.

I so want to spend an entire day baking fun stuff.  But the idea of doing it by myself this year just makes me want to avoid it all together.  As I said..."humbug".  Anyone want to come over and play?? 

I've been thinking all this thru and still not coming to any kind of conclusion.  Yule is a week away and Christmas is a week and a half away.  I need to figure this out soon or the entire season will have passed me by.  Am I being too much like Charlie Brown?  Oh, no...I'm mixing my Christmas stories now...I'm really losing it...I don't think I need the Ghosts of Christmas.  But maybe I do need a Linus...

Happy holidays, my friends.  I wish you love and joy during this very confusing season.