I always swore I would never do this. "Who the hell would be the least bit interested in the inner workings of my weird mind?" "It's so self-indulgent to put your thoughts out into the ether like that." Well....after reading a few blogs belonging to my friends, I've come to the conclusion that yes, it is a bit self-indulgent, but theraputic as well. I also have come to understand these friends in a way I never did before. It is a way for them to express thoughts in an organized and methodical way, allowing the ideas to become clearer to them...and to us. SO...here I go.
I had my 49th birthday on Saturday. It was not a happy one, for a number of reasons. But a significant reason is that I am now entering that "middle aged" label. My brother turned 60 four days after my birthday. And I saw that my other brother, who will be 51 in December, joined AARP. He had the newest magazine...and Antonio Banderas in on the cover. WTF??
I am 49 and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or what is left of it. I had a plan when I was 23...I was going to be the next great percussionist, playing for the Metropolitan Opera. Well, the Universe had other ideas: I returned to Vermont and developed tendonitis in my wrists. I then tried to be pragmatic and get a "real job". I've been stuck ever since.
I have a certain philosophy of life. We are all on the road, driving. We start on the slow back roads and gradually work our way up to driving on the big highways, and then to the multi-lane thruways/interstates. Sometimes, things will push you off the highway at an exit you didn't intend. Usually, after a little detour, you can find the entrance and get back on. Sometimes...you drive along on this other less crowded road; you can see the highway, but no entrance presents itself. Then you come to an intersection. You have no idea which direction to take, so you try to look down the roads and decide which one looks "the best". Sometimes, it is a lovely drive with beautiful views...other times, it is all slums and grim. You then come to other intersections and must make choices of where to go. Ultimately, you end up on a road that is smooth and has lovely views.
I was on the multi-lane highway and got shoved off. Thru a series of intersections, I've ended up where I am right now: at the end of a one-way street, with a brick wall in front of me. I can't back up...or I feel I can't because that is breaking the rules - it's a ONE WAY STREET for pity's sake! And I cannot seem to find an alley that my vehicle can squeeze thru to find another road.
Or perhaps I have. About a month ago, I took the scary step of starting to see a life coach/counselor. There seems to be a bit of a skinny alley way that she has shown me. With her help, I am beginning to try to push down the alley. So far, there is quite a bit of scratching of the car's body panels...but it is some movement. I might be a bit beaten up when I get thru the alley...but I won't be at the end of the one-way street any longer.
But what road will I come out on? That's the next step of the journey....
